Till the end of time

Days... Months ... Darkness still comes in between the moments of light.

Work... Life... Never ending pursue of dreams that are fabricated by the human mind.

Love... Time ... Some of the few things that got lost during each life.

Breathe... Death ... The cycle of many meaningless beings exploited by their own kind.

Fading...

Forgotten how many days it had past..

But remember I pressed the button to delete you away from my list so that I will not have the urge to text you when I saw your name.

Each time I tried to talk to you.. We ended up worse.

As I have noticed, we have issues that are not easy to overcome.

I made the decision, hoping that if I made it earlier I could prevent us not speaking to each other again.

But it seems that things have to turn out the way it had, and I have no control over what happen.

Today, I let myself look into you again. I read you again, and I saw that the light for shining for you again.

And I am glad.. For I know if I had made the decision later, it might take you longer.

I am glad, and truly glad. And I wish that you will never feel remember me, if all that you might remember are the negative feelings that arises, each time I appear.

Merci.

Neither here nor there

Tomorrow is another departure day.

I had been departing and arriving for a long time..

And most of these times, I have nothing to look forward to.

Sometimes I had someone, something, to look forward to. But after some time, it all became still..

Its all the same.. Human..need a familiar environment..

But not for me. . . Im neither here nor there.

I dont know everything, But I know what I want to see..

It had been hard.. But at the end of it.

At least I managed to be understood.

People know how to think. After time, truth will just became clearer.

It is nobody's fault. But do we always have to wait until things become bad.. and start asking who take the responsibility?

After being on earth this long, having made so much failures, and having so many sleepless nights thinking what about the failures, certainly one thing we know is there is no foolproof way we can ever stop failures from happening.

But we can lessen the pain by doing the right thing at some pt in time. As it is not just a responsibility about myself.. It also concern someone whom you cared for.

And holding on to that responsibility, I hope it was a right decision.

Black box label.

DING says:
everyone want to in the side of justice
i get to smoke first
Wayseeker says:
i dun
i can take the blame
cos i realised
it doesnt matter
DING says:
you mean fds will always besides you ?
no matter what did you did
Wayseeker says:
no
i dun need people around me to tell me what is right
DING says:
well, but at the point you are down , you will need it
Wayseeker says:
bro
u think i have frens whenever i need them
as a matter of fact
i nv did
i nv have
i always stay by myself
overseas
DING says:
hmm, true
Wayseeker says:
even in sg
u think my frens care?

People always says I do not open myself up. Its true. I'm a black box.

As i mentioned above, I can take the blame.

What is the reason?????

Whenever something not so pleasant happen, people love to ask ' Why?, What's the reason?'

Things dun have a reason. IT never reason how it happen. It never reason how it end.

But people all contribute..

When start, everything was so easy. Trust was easy. Happiness is simple.

When it ought to end, we try hard to prolong it.

Just like our final moments, we might find people trying to revive us. IF there is someone who still long for our presence.

Money will be spent, effort will be made, but all is just to prolong for moments, which is insignificant. For everything turns to dust..

Have I lost abit of my senses?

It been long... since I remembered my little black diary..

Today I seems to realise that I had lost some of my senses.

Told one of my pals I heading off to Switzerland this weekend..

"Going for holiday?" - A reply that I got from most of my friends whom I told..

Holiday? - Have I ever feel like a holiday?

What had I lost since which time? What do I remembered?

Where is my base? How do I feel?

If I know, then this post will be fictitious..

Whatever comes had to go...

Whatever come had to go...

And accepting is never an easy task..

but an inevitable expereince that human has to undergo..

Its either something, someone leaves, or you will eventually leave them..

And a great deal had been seen, felt, heard, before we all leave...

And all these experiences went by me.. and finally constitute my life..

Soon, things will turn brighter... as it already had...

Brightness is just when the world turn to the side of the light..

And darkness will once again fill the soul.. but as long as I realised this is nature..

I will get by, till the day I close my eyes...

Remaining in my mind and heart... to make me strong..

Today...I checked into my new home..

Its a nice place which won many envies...

How I wish you could visit some day...To share this beautiful nest with me.

Just moment ago, I sat at the balcony...Smiling.. As I thought of you.

I tried to find a picture of you... but i could not find any. . .

Memories of you made me strong when I am weak. . .

Images of you made me strive when I feel alonely. . .

Visions of us made me deluded but strengthened my soul. . .

I will carry on... No matter how difficult it will be. . .

for you will never leave me. . . Not when I have you still in my mind . . .

Let me be strong. . . And may I fulfill all the promises I made to people in my life.

Before I leave . . .

Being in someone's shoes...

24th August...

Its 24th August 2009.

I'm still hanging around, alone...

Playing again and again 'Hurt'.

I wish that I could be out of this, but so far I hasn't got out of it.

Pain still seeps through...when the song played..

I wished I could be like you. Just find another person to substitute..

But I know I couldnt..I wish I am lying..

As if i am, there I wont feel so bad...

well, this is part of life. Remembered I told you so..

Love hurts, but everybody gotta experience this at least once...

I will never changed my number, for I am waiting for one day or night, you would call me...

Tell me your love will never changed for me.

Everything is a mistake.. and you love me still... no matter what,,

Just like the way I love you...

silly boi..me..

Anyone who still trust someone after being betrayed several times must be insane

"Anyone who still trust someone after being betrayed several times must be insane."

A friend of mine said that...

My reply is "To me, love is about being insane, all else are just trying to love"

I had reached a great deal of love for that special person.

The 2 in my life so far that hurt me the most.

But despite being betrayed time after another.. the love remain.

Are you sure he is better than me in this?

One thing for sure, I will do very well in life.

for I live life to perfection...everything must be perfect..

Life, Love, Friendship, Family..

You know, you are always so important to me in my life...

Even when you get married...

It might be too late now.. but might not be too later afterwards..

I can lie to others but never to myself..

Work trip 101

Last night went out with a colleague-became-friend for dinner at a resort hotel across the river. Nice buffet dinner and we took the boat back to the city.

My friend, a lady, is constantly looking for a partner of a different race/nationality from herself.

she enjoys going to touristy places, looking at hunks from foreign land. Perhaps she is like me, always looking out of where we were born, as we thought that out there, there might be somewhere better.

Life is always searching.. Be it humans, animals we are all searching. Humans who are born in the city, are searching for things that could fulfill ourselves. Love, wealth, quality life. But the rest, are searching for survival..Well, we didnt choose where we are born and who we are. so we just have to be true to ourselves, and try our best not to hurt others in our search.

I'm back to the land of smiles, a place where I spend several holidays with my ex.
Maybe she do love me, but in the end she chose to give it all up. Perhaps God will reward your love by giving you someone who really love you. But only in time you will realised if its all true. But I hope you will finally be found by someone who truly love you till the end.

As for me, I'm still alone. Still alone primarily cos I chose so.
I enjoyed being by myself. So that my sorrows will not affect others. I make friends, to listen to my stories, but wont affect them negatively.
That's what I like about friends.

Although I do feel lonely at times, but i wont be seeking someone just to alleviate the void in me. It just wont do for me.

Today, I went to JJ market to get my dog's presents. Each time we came to this land on holiday, we will definitely go there, to buy my dog's beds, treats and shampoo.

This time, I went by alone. In 1 hr, I got myself gifts for my dog, my mum, and my best buddy.

I din bother to bargain at all, cos its not worth the time and effort.

But for other things, I did went further.. For some people, some animal, I did everything I could for them, whenever I can, as long as it does not conflict with my career. for my career is the most important goals in my life right now.

And why do I focus on my career? Because I wish to feel less helpless in future.

I want to achieve my zone of comfort.

There's another person I felt deeply disappointed recently. I did care for her, and perhaps I still do. But after some nights seeing her drunken stupor, I realised I'm not in any position to meddle with how she live.

To her, I just wish to say, that I really care. And I hope that you are happy.
She ever tole me she needed a hug, which I do as well, but a hug between us could be fatal, as one or both of us might not be able to handle what comes after.

well, I hate being a grown up.. cos its too complicated. and too many wounds to heal, and too many problems to solve.

But I will remain true to those I was true to.

Why do you still look here when you have already decided?

Goals, without anyone..

The whisky, iced warm its way down my throat.

I feel the warmth in my heart..

Although its artificial, but it feels good.

My breathe deepens, as I go deep into my mind..

Trying to find the memories of past glory, how I achieve it..

It seems that it took me a long time.. to get over emotional setback..

which affect my judgement of life..

The setback... took me a long time to overcome..

Or have I overcomed?

There's another great goal I set for myself..

Just like the way I set in the past..

Many scoff at my plans, plans which they called 'dreams'

I call it plans, as I only say what I know I could do.

And I plan to do it..

And feeling light as a sparrow.. I shall put forth my first small step..

Hopefully, the obstacles will not be too difficult to overcome,

And God will assist to make haste, for the greatest to overcome for me.. is my impatience..

The thin barrier...

The thin barrier between gender...

All people fall at times..

Some people fell many times..

Others fell but said otherwise..

But for me, I do not fall..

That's why.. You are not good enough for me..

May you be happy...

May you be happy... Whatever you did, do, will do...

Sorry for what i did. The last time...

After this I shall not say anymore...

Love you... Hope you realise he's what you want..

And letting go IS the right choice..

Hi... This is our song... and many others'...

I realli do..

I dreamt.....that I love you....

I had a dream last night.

Dreamt that I met you.

We sat down at the park and had a long chat, and sometimes there was light in your eyes.

It still felt like before, feel like it was just yesterday.

I told you things I said before. Words that are words you never thought so.

The dream was beautiful..

I look at you, sitting there with you, with music too.

The awakening is painful. Which I know it will be so.

And am I glad I did not reached for that kiss, which will be harder to let go.

Transparency

When I look at the world, I see it in too much transparency.

Most human see things in their own light. And concealed the sadness in the world.

How many people will actually go to a friend when they call out to them?

If you are a female, most guys will do that. But why?

And how many people actually told you they loved you, but left you?

Marriage makes people sworn in to the wedding vows, but how many of them rather they did not ever made the vows?

If love is love, it doesnt matter your age, your gender, your status..

If friends are friends, it doesnt matter where we are going.. what are we going to do..

You wont love your mum if she inject heroin into your blood.

You wont love your husband if he screwed a girl in your bed.

You wont love your siblings if they swindled all your money.

Relationship status is really nothing.

I will remain lonely, as most people do not see the transparency of live.

As such, no one will be as depressive as me. And no one will want to be.

明白。。

你过得好吗？ 现在感到幸福吗？

最近有什么不开心的事吗？

你存钱了吗？你有准时还电话费吗？

你变好了吗？

你还记得一些以前走过的日子吗？

记得我们在东海岸发生车祸。。还有最后一次在kallang leisure park 的情节吗？

我今天经过这些地方。。一幕幕的往事涌入脑海里。。

我记得发生车祸那晚在医院里。。我不知觉的为你紧张。。连自己的伤都忘了。。

我记得在kallang时我尝试挽回。。但现在知道当时你已不在了。。

我今天又和同事提起你。。有时还为你辩护。。把自己的错提出来为你找借口。。

你现在。。。。明白了吗？

伤感的角落。。

爱一个人有多深。。只能用痛来衡量。。

爱的月深。。就越痛。。

一年已过。。但是痛的和一年前一样。。

刚才经过Everton Park 第三座。。那伤感的角落。。

莫名其妙的经过。。也莫名其妙的想起去年的最后一次相见。。

那一刻。。我的心又感觉刺了。。

现在。。我的心情回到一年前。。

那一幕幕的悲伤画面。。又在脑海里搬演。。

每一滴眼泪。。在内心里流。。

这就是我爱的深度。。痛的深度。。

闭上眼睛。。感受着。。我对你付出的感情。。

一年了。。。我还走不出去。。

Happy Birthday..

Just want to wish you Happy 28th Birthday!

No I did not forget which day it falls on.

I thought of sending you a sms on the day, but I think it will just be as meaningless as writing here.

And what I didn't want is to spoil the day for you.

Lying on my bed moments ago, I found so much things I want to say to you, but its all so meaningless.

Everything is good now. In the way it should be.

Sentenced to life without freedom of thoughts and action

He watched her burned in the light...

Sentenced by her own father...

The love was cursed..Forbidden.. And therefore it is greater than simple boy-meet-gal.

In several novel histories, war were started due to love..

The story of Troy, the chinese war of 'Red Cliff' and here we have the war between the Lycans and the Nobles..heightened by the sentenced of Sonya..

Man, like the Lycans had been enslaved for centuries.. In each era, new 'rules' were set.

To govern labour, breeding, and also to make people believe in the way some want them to.

Many out there does what they do for a living.. And have to change the things they are doing not out of free choice.

Many out there, do not dare to admit who they love, out of fear of the view of the society.

Cowards..Actors..Pupetteers.. and a full masquerade out there.

The social inequality of man and woman...will never be broken.

It is a law of nature.. The food chain..

And humans are nothing but animals.. with ego..

And with the ability to lie to themselves about their basic instincts...

Human race..We aint as supreme as they thought..

梦一场。。。

当她离开他。。是他负了她。。还是她负了他。。

当付出。。没得到。。是做错了。。还是命里无。。

当面临生命的结束时。。是不幸。。还是解脱..

在梦里。。还是在现实。。

现实残酷是因为太长。。梦里的残酷是因为太短暂。。

或许。。我们都该在现实中活在梦里。。

也许。。我们都在梦中活着现实。。

要是真爱。。

要是真爱。。
就能用一辈子的时间证明..
何必用张纸来立下诺言。。

A Day Difference

A day can make alot of differences.

Although most days do not. Sometimes we wait many days for something to happen.

Sometimes things happen in a day that we didnt know that it happened.

1 day is what matters. Not just any day though. But waiting for that 1 day...

1 day, she told me she was seeing someone else. Just another day she told me not.

1 day, my life sucks so much that I wish I did not lived that day.

1 day, I thought my future will be good. Then another day, I think it will sucks big time no matter how much I tried or give up.

And this 1 day, I am thinking.... What else can I do to make every day better?

One day I will know. One day..

Lost the Faith to live.... cos I had never lived at all

Read Allan Ooi's email today.

For a man who chose the path to end his senses, what he wrote was calm, serene and well structured.

For a man of his background and calibre, it hard to imagine why he had to choose to end his life.

And why do we still live on, when we only hold a exploited job, for a pay that will get us nothing but endless worries.

Frequently recently, I began to doubt my own abilities.

I had achieved certains things at certain times of my life, which others dont, but now I dont seems to have anything.

Many night, I think about the reason for me to be alive. There is none.

I had talked to much to too many people. But none of these people can ever make me feel less empty.

As I realised long ago that life is empty without the truth, and the truth is something only to discover when its time to lose all the senses.

i know..I think i know

All i wish to know is if she is fine..

Thats all..

That's all i need to know..

麻醉。。我是一棵树。。

我尽力的麻醉自己。。想像自己是一颗树。。

无论是感情或是事业。。我都尽力的问心无愧。。

但往往生命中总是有不如意。。

那晚与你在次相遇。。每一首歌。。我都知道歌里的含义。。

看着银幕上的MTV。。我心里不知该喜悦还是失落。。

但是。。遇见你时， 我尽可忘记一切烦恼。。不顾现实的一切。。

我已可以不需用什么来麻醉自己。。因为我已成为一棵树。。

没有期待。。没有感想。。没有冲动。。

无论喜怒哀乐。。。都不会让人知道。。

但感谢你。。陪伴在树下。。而你在树下的原因不是因为你想树帮你挡风遮雨。。

A thousand words

Spending time together

I always thought, love happen when 2 person enjoy spending time together.

Spending time together, be it at home, at the park, or doing things together.

What about when you see the person with you no longer smile...

What is happening...

A colleague confided in me days ago. Married, with 2 kids, and no longer know how he feel for his wife.

He agreed when I once said that I thought love is about spending time together.

Spending time not doing anything together.

Whenever I noticed the person I'm with is sad, anxious, or any other emotions other than happy, will lead me into leaving the relationship.

No matter how much time we had spend together in the past...1 month? 10 year?

As long as you cry too much, I think something is wrong...

I wonder,... and really wonder..

Will anyone ever tell me again in this lifetime..

"....Just to spend time being awake with you..."

=)

领悟。。

今天我和一个朋友在msn聊天。。

她说到关于她的男友现在没工作。。在用她的积蓄过生活。。

我和她说。。“有爱情天天吃粥也很开心吧。。。”

她回答：“这样不现实， 朋友和家人都会说我。。”

我明白了。。。终于领悟了。。

真爱便是信任。。真爱跨越金钱， 跨越外表。。。

真爱便是永远不离开。。。直到生死隔离。。。

要是找不到这种爱。。那又何必再一起呢？

所以。。要是你有遇到真爱。。记得不顾一切。。争取。。等待。。。

因为除非你非常幸运。。不然真爱不会容易的再次来领。。。

请切记。。。

life and death.

without life there wont be death.

without life there wont be love.

without love there wont be pain.

without pain you wont know you are alive.

I'm so numb now... being numb makes me feel better..

I'm alive, but not living. Havent found my true meaning of life.

I was born cos I am to be to born. I had loved cos i am meant to love..

I am who i am.. and when i die, i was who i were.

its doesnt matter who i am now, cos i dun matter to anyone.

and no one will matter to me when im about to die.

a carefree life... free of commitment.. free of burden...

free of anything...

When love find you, do not be too happy, cos thats when commitment starts.

Happily Ever After - The Finale

Sean and Mary's relationship is ailing further.

Mary began to email "Lonely Dark Knight" as he was not online since the last time they chatted. In the emails she wrote to LDK prosposing to meet him and said that she had been preparing for the meetup and will not disappoint. She even wrote about how she admired him and his ability to analyze situations calmly. She exhibits her interest for LDK, not even knowing who he is.

Sean was confiding in Annie one night nearby his apt one night and Mary saw the scene at the apt, and took pictures.

May then went to Sean's office to create a scene, slapped Annie, thinking she was the vixen.

After the office scene, Sean and Mary left for home, and another fight took place at home. Sean disclosed that he is "Lonely Dark Knight" and his disappointment that she had been betraying the marriage.

Their daughter overheard the fight, and cut her own wrist with a broken glass on the floor, and that finally stop the fight.

Annie and Vincent divorced. I guess proven infidelity is one of the biggest mistake that can kill the strongest love.

For love brings two together, and finding another person certainly isnt love.

Sean decided to divorce Mary. And Mary agreed.

So Mary got home and start to pack up her belongings. As she is packing up, there is a sound coming from the laptop, of someone logging into MSN. Is that "Lonely Dark Knight" aka Sean?

Will they be able to continue their marriage and stay together and overcoming obstacles for the rest of their lifes?

(The person whom I had been together for 10 years betrayed my love more than once. Each time, I discovered she had some trysts with other men either physically or literally. She never told the truth to anyone, and she now leads a tiring life filled with guilt and remorse. Each time she think of me, she remember her mistakes. Even though I said I forgive her, she can't forgive herself. Sometimes she will get into a frenzy, putting all the blame on me, but at the end of it, she knows it well that what she did was the worst.

Having said alot about her feelings unchanging for me, she still with him. Even though she keep telling me that she felt the same for me. She said that she still lying to herself that I am just on overseas assignment and will be back. With all these she told me, she still did not leave him.

I guess, she is just someone who cannot be on her own and does not know what is true love.

She even told me before, "Perhaps, this is what others said about not being able to marry the one whom you really love.

My thoughts about the above statement is "WTF? Then marry for what?")

Happily Ever After

The Synopsis - A story by Jack Neo, shown on OKTO

--The story is basically about trust. Trust between husband and wife, trust between boyfriend and girlfriend… Trust is the key to “living happily ever after…” And more than often, this is easier said than done.

Sean is a down-to-earth lawyer, working in a small time law firm, with the heart of helping less financially-able families on legal issues. Mary is an editor of a finance magazine. They have been married for 10 years, living in an old apartment left behind by Sean’s parents with their six year old only daughter, Jennifer, in many people’s eyes, the model “loving” family. However, things are never as good as it seems on the surface. Though both the husband and wife take home a reasonable, healthy sum of salary, the continual rise in standards of living and the demands of multi-training Jennifer in Fine Arts, Piano, Computer classes, Swimming, Calligraphy is beginning to take its toll on the financial burden of the family. Things begin to take an even more sour twist after Mary attended her JC class gathering. As most of her former classmates are either CEOs, Directors, at worst, wealthy tai-tais, leading much more luxurious lives, Mary starts to lament her husband’s lack of ambitions for not trying his hands in bigger law firm. The non-ending argument breaks out once again, for the umpteen times… Eventually, when Sean decides to take up a big pay package in a multi-million company as their Legal Consultant, Mary’s lament turns into fear… fear of losing her husband to more attractive female colleagues, socializing with clients and lack of time for the family…

Sean’s in-camp training cum Sunday league pal, Vincent, is a manager in an MLM company, selling health products, and is the complete opposite of Sean. Flamboyant, good looking, and with a brilliant gift of the gap, is a cocky playboy who juggles between his fiancée and his hoard of KTV lounge affairs. The catch of this plot is of course that his fiancée, Annie, an innocent secretary in a multi-million company, has got no idea Vincent is such a person, and is planning for their grand wedding, thinking that she is the luckiest woman on earth.

The stories are interwoven through their meetings, contrasting experience in love lives, incidents and discussions in the office and through their kopi tiam chats. While Sean keeps telling Vincent to cherish what he has, he is, unknown to himself, putting his marriage to the knives by being ignorant to his wife’s feeling and needs. And with these spiraling into more complications of third parties, misunderstandings and coincidence, the trust between the couples withers… and the only way seem to be heading towards a divorce.--

---------------------------------------------------------


I watched episode 8. Tomorrow is the finale.

Episode 8 shows Mary began to distrust Sean thinking that he has a woman outside. She copied all his contacts and called all the females in his contact one by one, trying to find out who could the 'woman' be.

She also began to have a MSN friend known as "Lonely Dark Knight"(known as LDK hereafter) whom she talk about her ailing marriage with. She told the friend she hate Sean. She thinks she gave up her career and life for Sean but Sean did not appreciate.

She also began to be interested in LDK, as she felt happy chatting with him, thinking that he is someone whom she can confide in and find comfort from.

She suggested meeting up but LDK did not respond.

This part of the episode makes me think about whether all woman will do the same thing, whenever after heated rows of arguments.

If most women tends to do this, then I hope to find the one among the minority that doesnt.

If all women will do the same, then perhaps Im waiting for someone who does not exist.

For 2 person to remain together "Happily Ever After" is an art. Many blissful relationship on the surface have hidden pain and sorrows that requires lots of effort to get over.

I remember Rachel once told me the same. That no matter how perfect a match was being made in everyone's eyes, it takes a lot of hard work behind the scene.

Seeing and hearing this much, I guess it certainly is true.

Pain in a relationship could be extended after a married couple have kids.

It a worse tragedy when the kid turn around and says "Why am I born?"

So I always feel glad that we only had a dog.

If she had not always turn to some guys for comfort along this 10 years, would it be better?

IF she had understood the hard work of maintaining a relationship, could we end up being better?

These questions will remain oblivious to me.

The corpse

He lie there motionless, after she push the rusty knife deeper into his heart...

He could not move.. felt cold, as the blood filled the floor...

Crying with guilt, she called her lover. He arrived with a mask, so that he will not reveal himself to the dead body.

Together, they brought the corpse to the eerie tree, and starting burying it.

The masked man said to it " I know you. But you wont know who I am ", before he threw the last spade of sand to cover his face.

They left the scene, without knowing that they just buried a living corpse.

After they left, the corpse woke up in fright. Darkness all around him. He could not move. And he stayed buried. Buried alive. with the wound still bleeding.

The living corpse remained buried, far away from them, and enduring each night, as the maggots grew in the wound. He rots in excruciating pain, until he lost the sense of feel. But he could not die. God did not let him die. He howl in pain every night. Passerbys hear the howling filled with pain and misery. But no one dare to check what is it .


Several months passed. The masked man and her live happily almost forgetting about what they did. No she do remember...She remember sometimes, at the darkness nights. She remember what she did. Sometimes she will hear the passerbys talk about the howling, and that reminds her of what she did.

She didnt like to remember her sins. She dont want to remember her sins. And she will scream angrily at the thought of the corpse saying " Why you made me feel so hurt each time I remember what I did. Where cant you stop haunting me?"

Some nights, she will go to where she buried the body, crying and saying how much she loved him. She will apologise madly, and said that she still love him.

Some nights she will go to the body and blame it for making her do the deed.

"Why did you made me do it?" She cried. "Its all your fault. I'm Sorry..."

Not long after, the masked man discovered that she cant forget the corpse, and also cant forget what she did. The masked man didnt care if she loved him or love the corpse. He just want to stay around her. and pretend that all will be fine.

Several months passed on. The corpse was filled with maggots eating every part of his decomposing carcass. Sometimes the corspe still misses her, even though she was the one that buried him alive and suffering the pain of being eaten alive.

One day the masked man, discovered that she was still talking to the corpse. He discovered that she still cant forget the corpse.

That very night, the masked man went to the burial ground... and start digging.
He wanted to talk to the corpse. He felt bitter. He hate the corpse.

Even lying beneath the ground, he wants to confront the corpse.

Freshly dug out, the dead corpse remain motionslessly. Maggots still eating the hell out of him...

And the masked man decapitated the corpse... and hang his decomposed head onto the tree....

She knew what he did. She felt guilt for what they did. But she did not dare to blame the masked man.

For she knew the corpse is dead. And she needs someone. She cant live by herself anymore.

Let the songs speak my mind...

Let the songs speak my mind...




我真的懂 你不是喜新厌旧
是我没有 陪在你身边 当你寂寞时候
别再看着我 说着你爱过
别太伤痛 我不难过 这不算什么
只是为什么眼泪会流
我也不懂 就让我走
让我开始享受自由
回忆很多 你的影子也会充满我生活
我并不懦弱 你比谁都懂
虽然寂寞 这会是我 最后的宽容




虽然不曾说 相信你正在懂
就算牵的不是我的手 我真的不难过
不知道在高兴什么 你的笑容
有时候也宁可当作你在为我加油
不知道在妄想什么 只告诉自己 I Believe
你总会看到我 在一切之后
留在你身边的是我

Thanks for the indulgence..

Thanks for giving me the chance to indulge..

I had you in my mind every minute..

And my friends can see it on my face..

Although its only a mirage... But it bring me the joys like a silly boi.

Even if its momentary, I am glad I had the chance to taste it again.

The sweetness... (=

Transitions

Since that night, my mind began to enter several transitions daily.

Each sms can brings me back to where we were, and somehow bring some involuntary smiles.

At times, I clearly see that its all in the past now, but sometimes I also see that it is still in the present.

我相对你说。。。

我不得已。。。我来不及。。。

我不忍心。。。我想着你。。。

God

God...

Very funny... hahahaha

You can't strike me down with this...

You can't kill me with this....

I wont be so easily defeated...

And I will fight till my final breathe..

The past will always catch up on you....

Past is past... but past isnt past unless it really past.

And the more you want it to be the past, it will not be the past.

The only way to live happily together is to learn how to live alone...

Couples get together and often became dependent on each other.

Emotionally, physically and sexually.

Sometimes people look for a partner so that they can fulfill this dependency.

However, 2 persons who got together do not usually stay together 24/7.

There are times whereby people are alone, and are not able to find their partners.

The dependent ones will start to look for alternatives, like a heroin addict looking for subutex when heroin is not available.

A person who can live happily by him/herself can find joys of the company of another, and not feel the sense of deprival when the person is not around.

Such a person will not look for substitute lovers, and hence will not commit acts of betrayal, which causes more harm to the relationship than any other kinds of actions.

Remember, Love is not just a dependency. And once the dependency wears off, the core will reveal whether its love, or nothing at all...

胸口永远的痛。。

In the midst of the 3.5 days in HCM, there are many times I feel the pain coming from my chest.

Its actually a psychological effect, which arises from my memories of our holidays.

Many times I went to the shops, I wanted to get something for her, to tell her about what we did there, what we saw there.

I wondered why this is so. Why can't I forget her even though she had commited the same mistakes repeatedly.

就算我们之间有什么问题
依然想念着你
虽然被放弃 虽然我愿意

就算我们之间有什么难题
黑夜我还想着你
心碎人孤寂 虽然我愿意


Perhaps that is because we had both been in love. And being in love is something that many couples had not been into before.

My forgiveness for her is due to love, as I did not give as much to the rest.

My frustration is also due to love, as I do not feel frustrated with the others when they failed to impressed.

I left but I had never left. That is because I thought by leaving, she will be afraid of losing, and will do her best to improve.

All in all, she had seen the most of my inner self. She had known me for a decade. And she had my love for the entire time. For the entire time, I had never been too far away from her. My bed always make her sleep in peace. And my hug is all she need to feel safe.

If only she did not repeated the same mistake, I will be sure enough now that we might be able to make it into the next few decades. For not every couple can last 10 years without the ties that only married couples had.

~~She is sorry for hurting me. And she know I will never forgive her.

Even when I can forgive her, can I still trust her?

As I wrote the above, the empty cavity where my heart used to be, bleed again.

My perspectives of Ho Chih Minh..

Ho Chin Minh is a place of disorderly order.

Being a socialist state, the people are simple, and less trecherous as compared to the tuk tuk drivers.

The 3.5 days I only explored District 1, and I found that there are few nightspots, and they are mainly basic. The activities is are basic, the crowd is basic, but the service is good. No one will ostracize you just because you order 2 cans of beer, which is something better than Singaporeans. But it also lack the kick that a party-explorer like me will expect from the night. Nightlife in Ho Chih Minh is all about drinking. There are a lot of farangs who sits at the eateries drinking Bia Saigon. We too spend some nights there, munching on Vietnamese Spring Rolls and a few bottles of Bia Saigon green.

There are some characters which we laughed about during the 3 days and I list them below:

1. The lighter-man

This is a group of fellows who will carry a board hanging Zippo-like lighters trying to peddle to foreigners. These guy can come to you a few times an hour, despite failing to make the sale the previous time. Almost forgot, they also carry some Ray-bans.

2. The shoe-shine boy

This fellow will come with a big shoe brush and wants to polish your shoe. It doesnt matter whether you wear a Prada or a Bata. He thin your shoe needs a polish so he can get 1 USD. I wear a brown leather Gola, which had already got the Rugged look which I had spent years making it so. I started making fun of my friend who wear his shoes out on the 2nd day whereas another friend and myself was wearing slippers. The friend wearing shoes was pestered everytime we went past a shoe-shine boy.

3. Rado-man

There's this guy who will come to you and show you a Rado. He will say "RRRRADo" to make the watch looks more suave. Anyway, this guy is funny. I believed we will remember the joke whenever we see a Rado. And probably none of us will ever get a Rado in our collection.

4. The Masseuse on Bike

Sometimes at night, there will be this guy who pillion a girl with heavy makeup and tell you she can give you massage in your room. Well, it really quite unique to HCM with such presentation of working girls.

We also had expereince of 2 girls on a bike trying to sell themselves to you for 'Massage'. It is just funny when they approached and they can even go up the pavement where you are walking to chase you. I remember seeing on some olden days movies where the ruffians will do that when they see some nice chicks..

Nightlife review:

I checked out 3 discos/bars during the 3 nights stay.

Catwalk:

This place is quite upmarket as it is at the lobby floor of New World Hotel, which is a 4-5 stars hotel. There is a live band which is just ok, and the place has pretty up to standard decor. There is one special service on the menu, which is the 'Guest Relations Service'. This means that you can order the service of a nice looking girl to sit with you and your guests. We did not order any but we spyed on the table next door and the other guests who did so. Nothing hanky-panky and the girls are quite good-looking. 2 thumbs up.

Gossip:

This place is the classic disco and the decor and the music remind me of Canto at Marina Bay. However, Gossip do not have such unrult crowd as compared to Canto. The crowd are mainly executive, and some more mature crowd. Serice is good there. But it's a little on the boring side for me, as the people there dances like mid 80s.

Seventeen Salon:

This place is my friend's favourite. ITs a cowboy style club with a nice Filipino live band. The band plays rock to metal of Eagles, Metallica, Gun n Roses and Slip Knot. Sometimes the entire band will start to headbang in a orderly manner. Nice songs, great guitarist and the waitresses are quite nice. This place is quite recommended if you like Rock-Metal.

Generally the nightspots around District 1 are only this handful for me. Anyway, its a socialist state so lets not compare it to Bangkok which is more free, and more wild in some sense.

Food:

The only things we had during the 3.5 days are Pho Bo, which is Noodles with Beef. We have in the morning, we have it in the afternoon. This is the staple food of the viets, and 7 out of 10 food stalls sell this. The noodle with soup is garnished with spring onions and fresh cut onions, and you should add in fresh cut chilli, squeezed lime, bean paste, fish sauce and mint leaves to taste really good. It taste pretty good without all those stuff too.

Drinks:

Beer/Bia
We tried every local brand we can find like '333', 'Bia Laurue', 'BGI', Zorok Bia and Saigon Beer. Our fave is Bia Saigon. Its a light tasting beer which taste light, which is what you need for the hot weather.

Coffee:
The vietnamese coffee is quite different from the Kopi-o we have in Singapore. It has a very unique milky taste which comes from the butter they used to roast the beans.

Its rather hard to explain. But you can come to me if you want to try the coffee, as I brought some back.


To sum it all up I just have the few advices to travellers who are interested to visit Ho Chih Minh.

Wear a sunglass, a pair of slippers and a Zippo lighter if you are smoker. In this way, you might(emphasized)find yourself less likely to be irritated by peddlers who will irritate you every 10 seconds.

Dont think of what to eat, cos if you want to 'try' vietnamese food, just think Pho Bo. The rest are not really local.

Other than the above, the rest are for you to find out.

Still recovering...

I still hate her.. The pain still lingers..

Whenever Im not working or doing anything, I can still feel the sting in my heart.

I'll be heading off for holiday with some pals tomorrow, and I used to reserve holidays for her only.

It is usually happy, although we may have tiffs along the way.

I still hate her.. But few days back, I just defended her.

XX had been treading on my nerves.

There are 3 thins among all others which I treasure in my life. One is my past relationships, second is my dog, and third are my priced collection of junk metals which I will buy at the end of each year to commemorate a year passed with great effort.

XX said that she is ugly. - Who is she to say that? Even though she might be(uglier in her heart), but I really dont appreciate anyone to insult who I had loved and spent years together.

XX say my dog is ugly - I really hate this. My dog is the closest living thing on earth I had with me. Whoever like me must love my dog. No exceptions.

XX smack the junk metal on my wrist several times just because she felt I am protective of it. Well Its only a few weeks old.

XX had been testing my patience. And now she really need to know how I feel.

And to 'her', I hope she had a memorable St Valentine Day.

家有恶犬

This is the first time I post pictures of my "Baby".

Well the 'girlie' name was given to my dog by the person who bought her, which is my EX-girlfriend.

I no longer remember how old is her now, as she behave the same as she was when she first came into my family.

Many people have commented that she does not look very 'pretty', but no one can imagine how much she meant to me.

She is not the typical dog that does everything at your bidding.

She do all sorts of nonsense when she is healthy. But I would rather that she is naughty than if she is whining.

Set myself free....

I was just reading J & L 's blogs, and saw that both of them are happy with their lifes.

L is happy to have found her sweet love, same for J.

I also felt happy for them and believe what they truly deserved is what they have found for now.

I truly send my best wishes to J & L.

For myself,I am still in the midst of planning for my own future.

Not so much for the emotional side, but for the 'living' side.

I continue to slack, work and think about my vision of buying one unit at Lucky Gardens, which is the place I jog around twice every week.

Tonight, I felt kind of refreshed.

I thought about the cruel sms that she sent me in the last hours of my persisted attempt to save the relationship.

And now, I have the following reply to that sms.

"Nothing you say to me or to anyone will ever change the fact that you cheated on all 3 of us.

The actions you took, and the lies you told will always be remain in my mind. And soon the past will catch up on you, on all your irresponsible acts that you could never leave behind.

The test was long and stressful for you, and I am sorry I made you went through with the trial. But it was necessary to prevent a greater tragedy.

The tormenting memories of how you left had made me grew stronger and also more wary. But I still believe someone will one day make me feel merry.

I still cant forget the way you pleaded, and cant forgive the way you leave.

Now I will wait patiently for the one who I can still believe, to make our life complete.

Now I everyday I see 'baby', I start to worry. I felt sorry that we are not able to give her the blissful life that I wanted to give.

All I can do is to make sure that my future partner will love her as much as I do, and will do all the necessary that you never did.

'Baby' is still the same. Except I can see that she felt lonely.

I will spent more effort to find the means to give her the best she can lived, and to ensure she will be happy to have spent her entire life with me, the day she leave...

And for you, thanks for being the focus of 1/3 of my life. I have learnt a lot from being with you. I am happy that we have been together... and that we have ended.."

Pain..

Woke up several times by a stinging pain.

I guess its my wisdom tooth, but this time is so painful that I could not sleep anymore.

Just like a dying relationship which I know is a disease...I should have remove it from my life when I realised that It could have cause me problems, but I didnt.

Now the pain is affecting my life, so much that I am unsure whether the extraction process will haunt me for life.

Paracetemol will help me pass through this few hours, but not for longer than that..

Thats only for the pain, what about the trauma?