A man who believe in God but not in his supremacy

Till the end of time

2011-03-24T21:46:00.002+08:00

Days... Months ... Darkness still comes in between the moments of light.

Work... Life... Never ending pursue of dreams that are fabricated by the human mind.

Love... Time ... Some of the few things that got lost during each life.

Breathe... Death ... The cycle of many meaningless beings exploited by their own kind.

Fading...

2010-08-03T02:01:00.003+08:00

Forgotten how many days it had past..

But remember I pressed the button to delete you away from my list so that I will not have the urge to text you when I saw your name.

Each time I tried to talk to you.. We ended up worse.

As I have noticed, we have issues that are not easy to overcome.

I made the decision, hoping that if I made it earlier I could prevent us not speaking to each other again.

But it seems that things have to turn out the way it had, and I have no control over what happen.

Today, I let myself look into you again. I read you again, and I saw that the light for shining for you again.

And I am glad.. For I know if I had made the decision later, it might take you longer.

I am glad, and truly glad. And I wish that you will never feel remember me, if all that you might remember are the negative feelings that arises, each time I appear.

Merci.

Neither here nor there

2010-07-17T23:39:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow is another departure day.

I had been departing and arriving for a long time..

And most of these times, I have nothing to look forward to.

Sometimes I had someone, something, to look forward to. But after some time, it all became still..

Its all the same.. Human..need a familiar environment..

But not for me. . . Im neither here nor there.

I dont know everything, But I know what I want to see..

2010-07-08T03:44:00.003+08:00

It had been hard.. But at the end of it.

At least I managed to be understood.

People know how to think. After time, truth will just became clearer.

It is nobody's fault. But do we always have to wait until things become bad.. and start asking who take the responsibility?

After being on earth this long, having made so much failures, and having so many sleepless nights thinking what about the failures, certainly one thing we know is there is no foolproof way we can ever stop failures from happening.

But we can lessen the pain by doing the right thing at some pt in time. As it is not just a responsibility about myself.. It also concern someone whom you cared for.

And holding on to that responsibility, I hope it was a right decision.

Black box label.

2010-07-08T00:39:00.002+08:00

DING says:
everyone want to in the side of justice
i get to smoke first
Wayseeker says:
i dun
i can take the blame
cos i realised
it doesnt matter
DING says:
you mean fds will always besides you ?
no matter what did you did
Wayseeker says:
no
i dun need people around me to tell me what is right
DING says:
well, but at the point you are down , you will need it
Wayseeker says:
bro
u think i have frens whenever i need them
as a matter of fact
i nv did
i nv have
i always stay by myself
overseas
DING says:
hmm, true
Wayseeker says:
even in sg
u think my frens care?

People always says I do not open myself up. Its true. I'm a black box.

As i mentioned above, I can take the blame.

What is the reason?????

2010-06-22T04:10:00.002+08:00

Whenever something not so pleasant happen, people love to ask ' Why?, What's the reason?'

Things dun have a reason. IT never reason how it happen. It never reason how it end.

But people all contribute..

When start, everything was so easy. Trust was easy. Happiness is simple.

When it ought to end, we try hard to prolong it.

Just like our final moments, we might find people trying to revive us. IF there is someone who still long for our presence.

Money will be spent, effort will be made, but all is just to prolong for moments, which is insignificant. For everything turns to dust..

Have I lost abit of my senses?

2010-06-08T00:10:00.002+08:00

It been long... since I remembered my little black diary..

Today I seems to realise that I had lost some of my senses.

Told one of my pals I heading off to Switzerland this weekend..

"Going for holiday?" - A reply that I got from most of my friends whom I told..

Holiday? - Have I ever feel like a holiday?

What had I lost since which time? What do I remembered?

Where is my base? How do I feel?

If I know, then this post will be fictitious..

Whatever comes had to go...

2010-01-24T23:49:00.003+08:00

Whatever come had to go...

And accepting is never an easy task..

but an inevitable expereince that human has to undergo..

Its either something, someone leaves, or you will eventually leave them..

And a great deal had been seen, felt, heard, before we all leave...

And all these experiences went by me.. and finally constitute my life..

Soon, things will turn brighter... as it already had...

Brightness is just when the world turn to the side of the light..

And darkness will once again fill the soul.. but as long as I realised this is nature..

I will get by, till the day I close my eyes...

Remaining in my mind and heart... to make me strong..

2009-09-08T01:21:00.002+08:00

Today...I checked into my new home..

Its a nice place which won many envies...

How I wish you could visit some day...To share this beautiful nest with me.

Just moment ago, I sat at the balcony...Smiling.. As I thought of you.

I tried to find a picture of you... but i could not find any. . .

Memories of you made me strong when I am weak. . .

Images of you made me strive when I feel alonely. . .

Visions of us made me deluded but strengthened my soul. . .

I will carry on... No matter how difficult it will be. . .

for you will never leave me. . . Not when I have you still in my mind . . .

Let me be strong. . . And may I fulfill all the promises I made to people in my life.

Before I leave . . .

Being in someone's shoes...

2009-09-06T13:37:00.000+08:00

24th August...

2009-08-24T04:18:00.003+08:00

Its 24th August 2009.

I'm still hanging around, alone...

Playing again and again 'Hurt'.

I wish that I could be out of this, but so far I hasn't got out of it.

Pain still seeps through...when the song played..

I wished I could be like you. Just find another person to substitute..

But I know I couldnt..I wish I am lying..

As if i am, there I wont feel so bad...

well, this is part of life. Remembered I told you so..

Love hurts, but everybody gotta experience this at least once...

I will never changed my number, for I am waiting for one day or night, you would call me...

Tell me your love will never changed for me.

Everything is a mistake.. and you love me still... no matter what,,

Just like the way I love you...

silly boi..me..

Anyone who still trust someone after being betrayed several times must be insane

2009-08-24T04:10:00.002+08:00

"Anyone who still trust someone after being betrayed several times must be insane."

A friend of mine said that...

My reply is "To me, love is about being insane, all else are just trying to love"

I had reached a great deal of love for that special person.

The 2 in my life so far that hurt me the most.

But despite being betrayed time after another.. the love remain.

Are you sure he is better than me in this?

One thing for sure, I will do very well in life.

for I live life to perfection...everything must be perfect..

Life, Love, Friendship, Family..

You know, you are always so important to me in my life...

Even when you get married...

It might be too late now.. but might not be too later afterwards..

I can lie to others but never to myself..

Work trip 101

2009-08-02T16:47:00.002+08:00

Last night went out with a colleague-became-friend for dinner at a resort hotel across the river. Nice buffet dinner and we took the boat back to the city.

My friend, a lady, is constantly looking for a partner of a different race/nationality from herself.

she enjoys going to touristy places, looking at hunks from foreign land. Perhaps she is like me, always looking out of where we were born, as we thought that out there, there might be somewhere better.

Life is always searching.. Be it humans, animals we are all searching. Humans who are born in the city, are searching for things that could fulfill ourselves. Love, wealth, quality life. But the rest, are searching for survival..Well, we didnt choose where we are born and who we are. so we just have to be true to ourselves, and try our best not to hurt others in our search.

I'm back to the land of smiles, a place where I spend several holidays with my ex.
Maybe she do love me, but in the end she chose to give it all up. Perhaps God will reward your love by giving you someone who really love you. But only in time you will realised if its all true. But I hope you will finally be found by someone who truly love you till the end.

As for me, I'm still alone. Still alone primarily cos I chose so.
I enjoyed being by myself. So that my sorrows will not affect others. I make friends, to listen to my stories, but wont affect them negatively.
That's what I like about friends.

Although I do feel lonely at times, but i wont be seeking someone just to alleviate the void in me. It just wont do for me.

Today, I went to JJ market to get my dog's presents. Each time we came to this land on holiday, we will definitely go there, to buy my dog's beds, treats and shampoo.

This time, I went by alone. In 1 hr, I got myself gifts for my dog, my mum, and my best buddy.

I din bother to bargain at all, cos its not worth the time and effort.

But for other things, I did went further.. For some people, some animal, I did everything I could for them, whenever I can, as long as it does not conflict with my career. for my career is the most important goals in my life right now.

And why do I focus on my career? Because I wish to feel less helpless in future.

I want to achieve my zone of comfort.

There's another person I felt deeply disappointed recently. I did care for her, and perhaps I still do. But after some nights seeing her drunken stupor, I realised I'm not in any position to meddle with how she live.

To her, I just wish to say, that I really care. And I hope that you are happy.
She ever tole me she needed a hug, which I do as well, but a hug between us could be fatal, as one or both of us might not be able to handle what comes after.

well, I hate being a grown up.. cos its too complicated. and too many wounds to heal, and too many problems to solve.

But I will remain true to those I was true to.

Why do you still look here when you have already decided?

2009-07-28T00:55:00.000+08:00

Goals, without anyone..

2009-07-13T23:15:00.002+08:00

The whisky, iced warm its way down my throat.

I feel the warmth in my heart..

Although its artificial, but it feels good.

My breathe deepens, as I go deep into my mind..

Trying to find the memories of past glory, how I achieve it..

It seems that it took me a long time.. to get over emotional setback..

which affect my judgement of life..

The setback... took me a long time to overcome..

Or have I overcomed?

There's another great goal I set for myself..

Just like the way I set in the past..

Many scoff at my plans, plans which they called 'dreams'

I call it plans, as I only say what I know I could do.

And I plan to do it..

And feeling light as a sparrow.. I shall put forth my first small step..

Hopefully, the obstacles will not be too difficult to overcome,

And God will assist to make haste, for the greatest to overcome for me.. is my impatience..

The thin barrier...

2009-07-13T01:13:00.002+08:00

The thin barrier between gender...

All people fall at times..

Some people fell many times..

Others fell but said otherwise..

But for me, I do not fall..

That's why.. You are not good enough for me..

May you be happy...

2009-07-07T03:45:00.000+08:00

May you be happy... Whatever you did, do, will do...

Sorry for what i did. The last time...

After this I shall not say anymore...

Love you... Hope you realise he's what you want..

And letting go IS the right choice..

Hi... This is our song... and many others'...

2009-06-15T19:59:00.002+08:00

I realli do..

I dreamt.....that I love you....

2009-06-13T16:00:00.002+08:00

I had a dream last night.

Dreamt that I met you.

We sat down at the park and had a long chat, and sometimes there was light in your eyes.

It still felt like before, feel like it was just yesterday.

I told you things I said before. Words that are words you never thought so.

The dream was beautiful..

I look at you, sitting there with you, with music too.

The awakening is painful. Which I know it will be so.

And am I glad I did not reached for that kiss, which will be harder to let go.

Transparency

2009-05-31T00:51:00.004+08:00

When I look at the world, I see it in too much transparency.

Most human see things in their own light. And concealed the sadness in the world.

How many people will actually go to a friend when they call out to them?

If you are a female, most guys will do that. But why?

And how many people actually told you they loved you, but left you?

Marriage makes people sworn in to the wedding vows, but how many of them rather they did not ever made the vows?

If love is love, it doesnt matter your age, your gender, your status..

If friends are friends, it doesnt matter where we are going.. what are we going to do..

You wont love your mum if she inject heroin into your blood.

You wont love your husband if he screwed a girl in your bed.

You wont love your siblings if they swindled all your money.

Relationship status is really nothing.

I will remain lonely, as most people do not see the transparency of live.

As such, no one will be as depressive as me. And no one will want to be.

明白。。

2009-05-25T00:24:00.002+08:00

你过得好吗？现在感到幸福吗？

最近有什么不开心的事吗？

你存钱了吗？你有准时还电话费吗？

你变好了吗？

你还记得一些以前走过的日子吗？

记得我们在东海岸发生车祸。。还有最后一次在kallang leisure park 的情节吗？

我今天经过这些地方。。一幕幕的往事涌入脑海里。。

我记得发生车祸那晚在医院里。。我不知觉的为你紧张。。连自己的伤都忘了。。

我记得在kallang时我尝试挽回。。但现在知道当时你已不在了。。

我今天又和同事提起你。。有时还为你辩护。。把自己的错提出来为你找借口。。

你现在。。。。明白了吗？

伤感的角落。。

2009-05-24T02:13:00.002+08:00

爱一个人有多深。。只能用痛来衡量。。

爱的月深。。就越痛。。

一年已过。。但是痛的和一年前一样。。

刚才经过Everton Park 第三座。。那伤感的角落。。

莫名其妙的经过。。也莫名其妙的想起去年的最后一次相见。。

那一刻。。我的心又感觉刺了。。

现在。。我的心情回到一年前。。

那一幕幕的悲伤画面。。又在脑海里搬演。。

每一滴眼泪。。在内心里流。。

这就是我爱的深度。。痛的深度。。

闭上眼睛。。感受着。。我对你付出的感情。。

一年了。。。我还走不出去。。

Happy Birthday..

2009-05-11T03:36:00.003+08:00

Just want to wish you Happy 28th Birthday!

No I did not forget which day it falls on.

I thought of sending you a sms on the day, but I think it will just be as meaningless as writing here.

And what I didn't want is to spoil the day for you.

Lying on my bed moments ago, I found so much things I want to say to you, but its all so meaningless.

Everything is good now. In the way it should be.

Sentenced to life without freedom of thoughts and action

2009-04-27T22:57:00.002+08:00

He watched her burned in the light...

Sentenced by her own father...

The love was cursed..Forbidden.. And therefore it is greater than simple boy-meet-gal.

In several novel histories, war were started due to love..

The story of Troy, the chinese war of 'Red Cliff' and here we have the war between the Lycans and the Nobles..heightened by the sentenced of Sonya..

Man, like the Lycans had been enslaved for centuries.. In each era, new 'rules' were set.

To govern labour, breeding, and also to make people believe in the way some want them to.

Many out there does what they do for a living.. And have to change the things they are doing not out of free choice.

Many out there, do not dare to admit who they love, out of fear of the view of the society.

Cowards..Actors..Pupetteers.. and a full masquerade out there.

The social inequality of man and woman...will never be broken.

It is a law of nature.. The food chain..

And humans are nothing but animals.. with ego..

And with the ability to lie to themselves about their basic instincts...

Human race..We aint as supreme as they thought..

梦一场。。。

2009-04-20T23:40:00.002+08:00

当她离开他。。是他负了她。。还是她负了他。。

当付出。。没得到。。是做错了。。还是命里无。。

当面临生命的结束时。。是不幸。。还是解脱..

在梦里。。还是在现实。。

现实残酷是因为太长。。梦里的残酷是因为太短暂。。

或许。。我们都该在现实中活在梦里。。

也许。。我们都在梦中活着现实。。

要是真爱。。

2009-04-17T00:29:00.001+08:00

要是真爱。。
就能用一辈子的时间证明..
何必用张纸来立下诺言。。

A Day Difference

2009-04-06T23:18:00.004+08:00

A day can make alot of differences.

Although most days do not. Sometimes we wait many days for something to happen.

Sometimes things happen in a day that we didnt know that it happened.

1 day is what matters. Not just any day though. But waiting for that 1 day...

1 day, she told me she was seeing someone else. Just another day she told me not.

1 day, my life sucks so much that I wish I did not lived that day.

1 day, I thought my future will be good. Then another day, I think it will sucks big time no matter how much I tried or give up.

And this 1 day, I am thinking.... What else can I do to make every day better?

One day I will know. One day..

Lost the Faith to live.... cos I had never lived at all

2009-04-01T20:04:00.002+08:00

Read Allan Ooi's email today.

For a man who chose the path to end his senses, what he wrote was calm, serene and well structured.

For a man of his background and calibre, it hard to imagine why he had to choose to end his life.

And why do we still live on, when we only hold a exploited job, for a pay that will get us nothing but endless worries.

Frequently recently, I began to doubt my own abilities.

I had achieved certains things at certain times of my life, which others dont, but now I dont seems to have anything.

Many night, I think about the reason for me to be alive. There is none.

I had talked to much to too many people. But none of these people can ever make me feel less empty.

As I realised long ago that life is empty without the truth, and the truth is something only to discover when its time to lose all the senses.

i know..I think i know

2009-04-01T00:12:00.001+08:00

All i wish to know is if she is fine..

Thats all..

That's all i need to know..

麻醉。。我是一棵树。。

2009-03-28T22:31:00.002+08:00

我尽力的麻醉自己。。想像自己是一颗树。。

无论是感情或是事业。。我都尽力的问心无愧。。

但往往生命中总是有不如意。。

那晚与你在次相遇。。每一首歌。。我都知道歌里的含义。。

看着银幕上的MTV。。我心里不知该喜悦还是失落。。

但是。。遇见你时，我尽可忘记一切烦恼。。不顾现实的一切。。

我已可以不需用什么来麻醉自己。。因为我已成为一棵树。。

没有期待。。没有感想。。没有冲动。。

无论喜怒哀乐。。。都不会让人知道。。

但感谢你。。陪伴在树下。。而你在树下的原因不是因为你想树帮你挡风遮雨。。

A thousand words

2009-03-22T12:04:00.001+08:00

Spending time together

2009-03-18T22:54:00.002+08:00

I always thought, love happen when 2 person enjoy spending time together.

Spending time together, be it at home, at the park, or doing things together.

What about when you see the person with you no longer smile...

What is happening...

A colleague confided in me days ago. Married, with 2 kids, and no longer know how he feel for his wife.

He agreed when I once said that I thought love is about spending time together.

Spending time not doing anything together.

Whenever I noticed the person I'm with is sad, anxious, or any other emotions other than happy, will lead me into leaving the relationship.

No matter how much time we had spend together in the past...1 month? 10 year?

As long as you cry too much, I think something is wrong...

I wonder,... and really wonder..

Will anyone ever tell me again in this lifetime..

"....Just to spend time being awake with you..."

=)

领悟。。

2009-03-15T23:24:00.002+08:00

今天我和一个朋友在msn聊天。。

她说到关于她的男友现在没工作。。在用她的积蓄过生活。。

我和她说。。“有爱情天天吃粥也很开心吧。。。”

她回答：“这样不现实，朋友和家人都会说我。。”

我明白了。。。终于领悟了。。

真爱便是信任。。真爱跨越金钱，跨越外表。。。

真爱便是永远不离开。。。直到生死隔离。。。

要是找不到这种爱。。那又何必再一起呢？

所以。。要是你有遇到真爱。。记得不顾一切。。争取。。等待。。。

因为除非你非常幸运。。不然真爱不会容易的再次来领。。。

请切记。。。

life and death.

2009-03-15T02:21:00.001+08:00

without life there wont be death.

without life there wont be love.

without love there wont be pain.

without pain you wont know you are alive.

I'm so numb now... being numb makes me feel better..

I'm alive, but not living. Havent found my true meaning of life.

I was born cos I am to be to born. I had loved cos i am meant to love..

I am who i am.. and when i die, i was who i were.

its doesnt matter who i am now, cos i dun matter to anyone.

and no one will matter to me when im about to die.

a carefree life... free of commitment.. free of burden...

free of anything...

When love find you, do not be too happy, cos thats when commitment starts.

Happily Ever After - The Finale

2009-03-08T21:40:00.000+08:00

Sean and Mary's relationship is ailing further.

Mary began to email "Lonely Dark Knight" as he was not online since the last time they chatted. In the emails she wrote to LDK prosposing to meet him and said that she had been preparing for the meetup and will not disappoint. She even wrote about how she admired him and his ability to analyze situations calmly. She exhibits her interest for LDK, not even knowing who he is.

Sean was confiding in Annie one night nearby his apt one night and Mary saw the scene at the apt, and took pictures.

May then went to Sean's office to create a scene, slapped Annie, thinking she was the vixen.

After the office scene, Sean and Mary left for home, and another fight took place at home. Sean disclosed that he is "Lonely Dark Knight" and his disappointment that she had been betraying the marriage.

Their daughter overheard the fight, and cut her own wrist with a broken glass on the floor, and that finally stop the fight.

Annie and Vincent divorced. I guess proven infidelity is one of the biggest mistake that can kill the strongest love.

For love brings two together, and finding another person certainly isnt love.

Sean decided to divorce Mary. And Mary agreed.

So Mary got home and start to pack up her belongings. As she is packing up, there is a sound coming from the laptop, of someone logging into MSN. Is that "Lonely Dark Knight" aka Sean?

Will they be able to continue their marriage and stay together and overcoming obstacles for the rest of their lifes?

(The person whom I had been together for 10 years betrayed my love more than once. Each time, I discovered she had some trysts with other men either physically or literally. She never told the truth to anyone, and she now leads a tiring life filled with guilt and remorse. Each time she think of me, she remember her mistakes. Even though I said I forgive her, she can't forgive herself. Sometimes she will get into a frenzy, putting all the blame on me, but at the end of it, she knows it well that what she did was the worst.

Having said alot about her feelings unchanging for me, she still with him. Even though she keep telling me that she felt the same for me. She said that she still lying to herself that I am just on overseas assignment and will be back. With all these she told me, she still did not leave him.

I guess, she is just someone who cannot be on her own and does not know what is true love.

She even told me before, "Perhaps, this is what others said about not being able to marry the one whom you really love.

My thoughts about the above statement is "WTF? Then marry for what?")

Happily Ever After

2009-03-07T22:23:00.006+08:00

The Synopsis - A story by Jack Neo, shown on OKTO

--The story is basically about trust. Trust between husband and wife, trust between boyfriend and girlfriend… Trust is the key to “living happily ever after…” And more than often, this is easier said than done.

Sean is a down-to-earth lawyer, working in a small time law firm, with the heart of helping less financially-able families on legal issues. Mary is an editor of a finance magazine. They have been married for 10 years, living in an old apartment left behind by Sean’s parents with their six year old only daughter, Jennifer, in many people’s eyes, the model “loving” family. However, things are never as good as it seems on the surface. Though both the husband and wife take home a reasonable, healthy sum of salary, the continual rise in standards of living and the demands of multi-training Jennifer in Fine Arts, Piano, Computer classes, Swimming, Calligraphy is beginning to take its toll on the financial burden of the family. Things begin to take an even more sour twist after Mary attended her JC class gathering. As most of her former classmates are either CEOs, Directors, at worst, wealthy tai-tais, leading much more luxurious lives, Mary starts to lament her husband’s lack of ambitions for not trying his hands in bigger law firm. The non-ending argument breaks out once again, for the umpteen times… Eventually, when Sean decides to take up a big pay package in a multi-million company as their Legal Consultant, Mary’s lament turns into fear… fear of losing her husband to more attractive female colleagues, socializing with clients and lack of time for the family…

Sean’s in-camp training cum Sunday league pal, Vincent, is a manager in an MLM company, selling health products, and is the complete opposite of Sean. Flamboyant, good looking, and with a brilliant gift of the gap, is a cocky playboy who juggles between his fiancée and his hoard of KTV lounge affairs. The catch of this plot is of course that his fiancée, Annie, an innocent secretary in a multi-million company, has got no idea Vincent is such a person, and is planning for their grand wedding, thinking that she is the luckiest woman on earth.

The stories are interwoven through their meetings, contrasting experience in love lives, incidents and discussions in the office and through their kopi tiam chats. While Sean keeps telling Vincent to cherish what he has, he is, unknown to himself, putting his marriage to the knives by being ignorant to his wife’s feeling and needs. And with these spiraling into more complications of third parties, misunderstandings and coincidence, the trust between the couples withers… and the only way seem to be heading towards a divorce.--

---------------------------------------------------------

I watched episode 8. Tomorrow is the finale.

Episode 8 shows Mary began to distrust Sean thinking that he has a woman outside. She copied all his contacts and called all the females in his contact one by one, trying to find out who could the 'woman' be.

She also began to have a MSN friend known as "Lonely Dark Knight"(known as LDK hereafter) whom she talk about her ailing marriage with. She told the friend she hate Sean. She thinks she gave up her career and life for Sean but Sean did not appreciate.

She also began to be interested in LDK, as she felt happy chatting with him, thinking that he is someone whom she can confide in and find comfort from.

She suggested meeting up but LDK did not respond.

This part of the episode makes me think about whether all woman will do the same thing, whenever after heated rows of arguments.

If most women tends to do this, then I hope to find the one among the minority that doesnt.

If all women will do the same, then perhaps Im waiting for someone who does not exist.

For 2 person to remain together "Happily Ever After" is an art. Many blissful relationship on the surface have hidden pain and sorrows that requires lots of effort to get over.

I remember Rachel once told me the same. That no matter how perfect a match was being made in everyone's eyes, it takes a lot of hard work behind the scene.

Seeing and hearing this much, I guess it certainly is true.

Pain in a relationship could be extended after a married couple have kids.

It a worse tragedy when the kid turn around and says "Why am I born?"

So I always feel glad that we only had a dog.

If she had not always turn to some guys for comfort along this 10 years, would it be better?

IF she had understood the hard work of maintaining a relationship, could we end up being better?

These questions will remain oblivious to me.

The corpse

2009-03-06T23:38:00.004+08:00

He lie there motionless, after she push the rusty knife deeper into his heart...

He could not move.. felt cold, as the blood filled the floor...

Crying with guilt, she called her lover. He arrived with a mask, so that he will not reveal himself to the dead body.

Together, they brought the corpse to the eerie tree, and starting burying it.

The masked man said to it " I know you. But you wont know who I am ", before he threw the last spade of sand to cover his face.

They left the scene, without knowing that they just buried a living corpse.

After they left, the corpse woke up in fright. Darkness all around him. He could not move. And he stayed buried. Buried alive. with the wound still bleeding.

The living corpse remained buried, far away from them, and enduring each night, as the maggots grew in the wound. He rots in excruciating pain, until he lost the sense of feel. But he could not die. God did not let him die. He howl in pain every night. Passerbys hear the howling filled with pain and misery. But no one dare to check what is it .

Several months passed. The masked man and her live happily almost forgetting about what they did. No she do remember...She remember sometimes, at the darkness nights. She remember what she did. Sometimes she will hear the passerbys talk about the howling, and that reminds her of what she did.

She didnt like to remember her sins. She dont want to remember her sins. And she will scream angrily at the thought of the corpse saying " Why you made me feel so hurt each time I remember what I did. Where cant you stop haunting me?"

Some nights, she will go to where she buried the body, crying and saying how much she loved him. She will apologise madly, and said that she still love him.

Some nights she will go to the body and blame it for making her do the deed.

"Why did you made me do it?" She cried. "Its all your fault. I'm Sorry..."

Not long after, the masked man discovered that she cant forget the corpse, and also cant forget what she did. The masked man didnt care if she loved him or love the corpse. He just want to stay around her. and pretend that all will be fine.

Several months passed on. The corpse was filled with maggots eating every part of his decomposing carcass. Sometimes the corspe still misses her, even though she was the one that buried him alive and suffering the pain of being eaten alive.

One day the masked man, discovered that she was still talking to the corpse. He discovered that she still cant forget the corpse.

That very night, the masked man went to the burial ground... and start digging.
He wanted to talk to the corpse. He felt bitter. He hate the corpse.

Even lying beneath the ground, he wants to confront the corpse.

Freshly dug out, the dead corpse remain motionslessly. Maggots still eating the hell out of him...

And the masked man decapitated the corpse... and hang his decomposed head onto the tree....

She knew what he did. She felt guilt for what they did. But she did not dare to blame the masked man.

For she knew the corpse is dead. And she needs someone. She cant live by herself anymore.

Let the songs speak my mind...

2009-03-05T18:28:00.002+08:00

Let the songs speak my mind...

我真的懂你不是喜新厌旧
是我没有陪在你身边当你寂寞时候
别再看着我说着你爱过
别太伤痛我不难过这不算什么
只是为什么眼泪会流
我也不懂就让我走
让我开始享受自由
回忆很多你的影子也会充满我生活
我并不懦弱你比谁都懂
虽然寂寞这会是我最后的宽容

虽然不曾说相信你正在懂
就算牵的不是我的手我真的不难过
不知道在高兴什么你的笑容
有时候也宁可当作你在为我加油
不知道在妄想什么只告诉自己 I Believe
你总会看到我在一切之后
留在你身边的是我

Thanks for the indulgence..

2009-03-01T17:11:00.002+08:00

Thanks for giving me the chance to indulge..

I had you in my mind every minute..

And my friends can see it on my face..

Although its only a mirage... But it bring me the joys like a silly boi.

Even if its momentary, I am glad I had the chance to taste it again.

The sweetness... (=

Transitions

2009-03-01T14:08:00.002+08:00

Since that night, my mind began to enter several transitions daily.

Each sms can brings me back to where we were, and somehow bring some involuntary smiles.

At times, I clearly see that its all in the past now, but sometimes I also see that it is still in the present.

我相对你说。。。

2009-02-28T00:21:00.004+08:00

我不得已。。。我来不及。。。

我不忍心。。。我想着你。。。

God

2009-02-26T03:53:00.001+08:00

God...

Very funny... hahahaha

You can't strike me down with this...

You can't kill me with this....

I wont be so easily defeated...

And I will fight till my final breathe..

The past will always catch up on you....

2009-02-25T23:00:00.001+08:00

Past is past... but past isnt past unless it really past.

And the more you want it to be the past, it will not be the past.

The only way to live happily together is to learn how to live alone...

2009-02-22T15:11:00.002+08:00

Couples get together and often became dependent on each other.

Emotionally, physically and sexually.

Sometimes people look for a partner so that they can fulfill this dependency.

However, 2 persons who got together do not usually stay together 24/7.

There are times whereby people are alone, and are not able to find their partners.

The dependent ones will start to look for alternatives, like a heroin addict looking for subutex when heroin is not available.

A person who can live happily by him/herself can find joys of the company of another, and not feel the sense of deprival when the person is not around.

Such a person will not look for substitute lovers, and hence will not commit acts of betrayal, which causes more harm to the relationship than any other kinds of actions.

Remember, Love is not just a dependency. And once the dependency wears off, the core will reveal whether its love, or nothing at all...

胸口永远的痛。。

2009-02-22T00:41:00.003+08:00

In the midst of the 3.5 days in HCM, there are many times I feel the pain coming from my chest.

Its actually a psychological effect, which arises from my memories of our holidays.

Many times I went to the shops, I wanted to get something for her, to tell her about what we did there, what we saw there.

I wondered why this is so. Why can't I forget her even though she had commited the same mistakes repeatedly.

就算我们之间有什么问题
依然想念着你
虽然被放弃虽然我愿意

就算我们之间有什么难题
黑夜我还想着你
心碎人孤寂虽然我愿意

Perhaps that is because we had both been in love. And being in love is something that many couples had not been into before.

My forgiveness for her is due to love, as I did not give as much to the rest.

My frustration is also due to love, as I do not feel frustrated with the others when they failed to impressed.

I left but I had never left. That is because I thought by leaving, she will be afraid of losing, and will do her best to improve.

All in all, she had seen the most of my inner self. She had known me for a decade. And she had my love for the entire time. For the entire time, I had never been too far away from her. My bed always make her sleep in peace. And my hug is all she need to feel safe.

If only she did not repeated the same mistake, I will be sure enough now that we might be able to make it into the next few decades. For not every couple can last 10 years without the ties that only married couples had.

~~She is sorry for hurting me. And she know I will never forgive her.

Even when I can forgive her, can I still trust her?

As I wrote the above, the empty cavity where my heart used to be, bleed again.

My perspectives of Ho Chih Minh..

2009-02-21T23:57:00.003+08:00

Ho Chin Minh is a place of disorderly order.

Being a socialist state, the people are simple, and less trecherous as compared to the tuk tuk drivers.

The 3.5 days I only explored District 1, and I found that there are few nightspots, and they are mainly basic. The activities is are basic, the crowd is basic, but the service is good. No one will ostracize you just because you order 2 cans of beer, which is something better than Singaporeans. But it also lack the kick that a party-explorer like me will expect from the night. Nightlife in Ho Chih Minh is all about drinking. There are a lot of farangs who sits at the eateries drinking Bia Saigon. We too spend some nights there, munching on Vietnamese Spring Rolls and a few bottles of Bia Saigon green.

There are some characters which we laughed about during the 3 days and I list them below:

1. The lighter-man

This is a group of fellows who will carry a board hanging Zippo-like lighters trying to peddle to foreigners. These guy can come to you a few times an hour, despite failing to make the sale the previous time. Almost forgot, they also carry some Ray-bans.

2. The shoe-shine boy

This fellow will come with a big shoe brush and wants to polish your shoe. It doesnt matter whether you wear a Prada or a Bata. He thin your shoe needs a polish so he can get 1 USD. I wear a brown leather Gola, which had already got the Rugged look which I had spent years making it so. I started making fun of my friend who wear his shoes out on the 2nd day whereas another friend and myself was wearing slippers. The friend wearing shoes was pestered everytime we went past a shoe-shine boy.

3. Rado-man

There's this guy who will come to you and show you a Rado. He will say "RRRRADo" to make the watch looks more suave. Anyway, this guy is funny. I believed we will remember the joke whenever we see a Rado. And probably none of us will ever get a Rado in our collection.

4. The Masseuse on Bike

Sometimes at night, there will be this guy who pillion a girl with heavy makeup and tell you she can give you massage in your room. Well, it really quite unique to HCM with such presentation of working girls.

We also had expereince of 2 girls on a bike trying to sell themselves to you for 'Massage'. It is just funny when they approached and they can even go up the pavement where you are walking to chase you. I remember seeing on some olden days movies where the ruffians will do that when they see some nice chicks..

Nightlife review:

I checked out 3 discos/bars during the 3 nights stay.

Catwalk:

This place is quite upmarket as it is at the lobby floor of New World Hotel, which is a 4-5 stars hotel. There is a live band which is just ok, and the place has pretty up to standard decor. There is one special service on the menu, which is the 'Guest Relations Service'. This means that you can order the service of a nice looking girl to sit with you and your guests. We did not order any but we spyed on the table next door and the other guests who did so. Nothing hanky-panky and the girls are quite good-looking. 2 thumbs up.

Gossip:

This place is the classic disco and the decor and the music remind me of Canto at Marina Bay. However, Gossip do not have such unrult crowd as compared to Canto. The crowd are mainly executive, and some more mature crowd. Serice is good there. But it's a little on the boring side for me, as the people there dances like mid 80s.

Seventeen Salon:

This place is my friend's favourite. ITs a cowboy style club with a nice Filipino live band. The band plays rock to metal of Eagles, Metallica, Gun n Roses and Slip Knot. Sometimes the entire band will start to headbang in a orderly manner. Nice songs, great guitarist and the waitresses are quite nice. This place is quite recommended if you like Rock-Metal.

Generally the nightspots around District 1 are only this handful for me. Anyway, its a socialist state so lets not compare it to Bangkok which is more free, and more wild in some sense.

Food:

The only things we had during the 3.5 days are Pho Bo, which is Noodles with Beef. We have in the morning, we have it in the afternoon. This is the staple food of the viets, and 7 out of 10 food stalls sell this. The noodle with soup is garnished with spring onions and fresh cut onions, and you should add in fresh cut chilli, squeezed lime, bean paste, fish sauce and mint leaves to taste really good. It taste pretty good without all those stuff too.

Drinks:

Beer/Bia
We tried every local brand we can find like '333', 'Bia Laurue', 'BGI', Zorok Bia and Saigon Beer. Our fave is Bia Saigon. Its a light tasting beer which taste light, which is what you need for the hot weather.

Coffee:
The vietnamese coffee is quite different from the Kopi-o we have in Singapore. It has a very unique milky taste which comes from the butter they used to roast the beans.

Its rather hard to explain. But you can come to me if you want to try the coffee, as I brought some back.

To sum it all up I just have the few advices to travellers who are interested to visit Ho Chih Minh.

Wear a sunglass, a pair of slippers and a Zippo lighter if you are smoker. In this way, you might(emphasized)find yourself less likely to be irritated by peddlers who will irritate you every 10 seconds.

Dont think of what to eat, cos if you want to 'try' vietnamese food, just think Pho Bo. The rest are not really local.

Other than the above, the rest are for you to find out.

Still recovering...

2009-02-18T02:13:00.002+08:00

I still hate her.. The pain still lingers..

Whenever Im not working or doing anything, I can still feel the sting in my heart.

I'll be heading off for holiday with some pals tomorrow, and I used to reserve holidays for her only.

It is usually happy, although we may have tiffs along the way.

I still hate her.. But few days back, I just defended her.

XX had been treading on my nerves.

There are 3 thins among all others which I treasure in my life. One is my past relationships, second is my dog, and third are my priced collection of junk metals which I will buy at the end of each year to commemorate a year passed with great effort.

XX said that she is ugly. - Who is she to say that? Even though she might be(uglier in her heart), but I really dont appreciate anyone to insult who I had loved and spent years together.

XX say my dog is ugly - I really hate this. My dog is the closest living thing on earth I had with me. Whoever like me must love my dog. No exceptions.

XX smack the junk metal on my wrist several times just because she felt I am protective of it. Well Its only a few weeks old.

XX had been testing my patience. And now she really need to know how I feel.

And to 'her', I hope she had a memorable St Valentine Day.

家有恶犬

2009-02-02T01:43:00.005+08:00

This is the first time I post pictures of my "Baby".

Well the 'girlie' name was given to my dog by the person who bought her, which is my EX-girlfriend.

I no longer remember how old is her now, as she behave the same as she was when she first came into my family.

Many people have commented that she does not look very 'pretty', but no one can imagine how much she meant to me.

She is not the typical dog that does everything at your bidding.

She do all sorts of nonsense when she is healthy. But I would rather that she is naughty than if she is whining.

Set myself free....

2009-02-02T01:06:00.006+08:00

I was just reading J & L 's blogs, and saw that both of them are happy with their lifes.

L is happy to have found her sweet love, same for J.

I also felt happy for them and believe what they truly deserved is what they have found for now.

I truly send my best wishes to J & L.

For myself,I am still in the midst of planning for my own future.

Not so much for the emotional side, but for the 'living' side.

I continue to slack, work and think about my vision of buying one unit at Lucky Gardens, which is the place I jog around twice every week.

Tonight, I felt kind of refreshed.

I thought about the cruel sms that she sent me in the last hours of my persisted attempt to save the relationship.

And now, I have the following reply to that sms.

"Nothing you say to me or to anyone will ever change the fact that you cheated on all 3 of us.

The actions you took, and the lies you told will always be remain in my mind. And soon the past will catch up on you, on all your irresponsible acts that you could never leave behind.

The test was long and stressful for you, and I am sorry I made you went through with the trial. But it was necessary to prevent a greater tragedy.

The tormenting memories of how you left had made me grew stronger and also more wary. But I still believe someone will one day make me feel merry.

I still cant forget the way you pleaded, and cant forgive the way you leave.

Now I will wait patiently for the one who I can still believe, to make our life complete.

Now I everyday I see 'baby', I start to worry. I felt sorry that we are not able to give her the blissful life that I wanted to give.

All I can do is to make sure that my future partner will love her as much as I do, and will do all the necessary that you never did.

'Baby' is still the same. Except I can see that she felt lonely.

I will spent more effort to find the means to give her the best she can lived, and to ensure she will be happy to have spent her entire life with me, the day she leave...

And for you, thanks for being the focus of 1/3 of my life. I have learnt a lot from being with you. I am happy that we have been together... and that we have ended.."

Pain..

2009-01-29T06:15:00.002+08:00

Woke up several times by a stinging pain.

I guess its my wisdom tooth, but this time is so painful that I could not sleep anymore.

Just like a dying relationship which I know is a disease...I should have remove it from my life when I realised that It could have cause me problems, but I didnt.

Now the pain is affecting my life, so much that I am unsure whether the extraction process will haunt me for life.

Paracetemol will help me pass through this few hours, but not for longer than that..

Thats only for the pain, what about the trauma?

Trials and errors

2009-01-17T01:06:00.002+08:00

The focus of my last 3 years was to find a 'good' environment where I could excel and be realised for my potential.

There were countless downs, and there were many occasions where my ex have to send me encouraging short messages to keep me going.

In the end, my friends have to send me encouraging short messages when she left for another guy.

The last 36 months was indeed filled with tribulations.

From career point of view and relationship point of view, I failed to acheive the desired results.

Being oneself is never easy. I think this way, and therefore behave this way.

My conversation is usually argumentative and this is the way I am born or somehow, someway, I am just like that. Whichever it is, I shall not put the blame into anyone except myself.

Sometimes I keep thinking to myself. What is my best quality?

What can I be of service to others, with a mind that could achieve honors and awards, but my words keep pricking others unnoticeably.

Sometimes I wondered why did I do so well in studies.

Why dont I be someone who fare ordinarily in school?

Why?

Because if I had never experienced all these, I will not be so bent on my perceived 'success', and might be even in a way be successful for trying lesser.

In such a way, I might also be happier, less stressed and also more 'human'.

And I might also lose lesser than what I get today.

But having said so, I just wonder will things get better if I stop trying.

Since all those things I had acheived for trying so hard turns to dust.

I had acheived nothing.

Wedding bells...

2009-01-04T13:25:00.003+08:00

Days ago, a good friend came over and we went off for dinner.

There, he talk about his upcoming wedding plans, and asked if i can the 'brother'.

It is a common culture that the groom will require his own bunch of closer friends to be the 'brothers'.

**************************************************************

Last night I attended a wedding dinner with my family. Its the wedding of my sister-in-law's brother.

At the wedding, everyone present were witness the happiness of the blissful couple, as they danced and gleamed in love, on the stage.

Wedding is the day where the couple become the stars of the night.

People whom they know will be invited to witness how the couple exchange vows.

It is an indeed joyous event...

Somehow, at at each wedding event, I always have a bitter feeling.

The bitter event came from the recent experience I had.

Love did not conquer all.

To think about the past is bitter. But not to think is impossible.

Still, I consider myself fortunate not to submit to pressure.

However, I wonder, if I will be able to meet the person that can make me assured of the future, with such a past created by such the person whom I had been with for 10 years..

010109

2009-01-01T03:05:00.002+08:00

Back for a month..Just a week plus a month..

I realised that changing an environment really is important to forget traumatising events..

And since the day i touched down till now, traumatising events keep catching up with me.

I just left a 'new' relationship, as past expereinces told me that once a person lied, she will lie forever.

I'm looking for love, not just another girlfriend who will fail the commitment.

And I do not need another 10 years to try n make the person understand...

Love? Excuse? Or Something you will never understand?

2008-12-30T22:30:00.002+08:00

At a 'facebook-lookalike' forum, a friend of mine posted:

A girl had sex with 3 different men in 1 week. She claimed that she love them all.

She found that she love A at first, but A make her unhappy on day 3, so B came about.

She love B and had sex with B but on day 5, B made her unhappy, so she love C.

After the sex with C, she realised she love A.

Went back to A and A call her a slut, but she told A that he will never understand...

True enough..Could you understand?

Can anyone ever understand?

Your comments are welcomed.

Guilt and sadness

2008-12-30T02:11:00.002+08:00

When someone guilt become someone's sadness, its a tragedy.

Love can overcome guilt and sadness, and when 2 persons are in love, they often have to use their love to overcome the turbulences they encountered, to work things out, to stay together.

I also reliased that the deeper your love is for a person, the more you can forgive the person for.

From Apr 1998- May 2008, I had forgiven a person more than anyone else.

And now, her guilt became my sadness.

Dream and reality

2008-12-29T01:49:00.003+08:00

Just woke up from a short, senseless dream.

Again felt so awake, so sober.

Began to think about the reasons why she left, and why was she so insistent on leaving when I tried to make her stay.

There are good reasons to think about why, for she had been telling me that she felt sad and guilty all these months she left.

And also she had asked me whether I really could still accept her.

Therefore, she didnt really wants to leave. But somehow she did.

In early Oct, I received smses from her telling me that she replied to my phone, for the internet smses that I wrote to her.

In fact, I had never wrote any internet smses to her. It might be the poor bastard again, whom again used someone else identity to do his sneaky business.

Anyway, she ought to realised who she is with is nothing but a male body with a freaking rat brain with no sense of dignity and courage.

So I did not try any form of contact after the morning she told me she was at her 'boyfriend's' place, for that already told me what I guessesd all along is true.

Imagine the pain..

Now come to think about what were the reasons that made her so determined to leave?

The possibilities are:

1. She was really stressed being with me.
2. She was really extremely pissed and angry about the 'incident'.
3. She was sick of waiting for me to marry her, and she needs to find a man that wants to.
4. She slept with him not long after our quarrel, and therefore she knew she could no longer come back to me without feeling guilty for the rest of her life.
5. All of the above.

I think all of the above are true to some sense, perhaps it all contribute to this state now whereby she still proclaimed her love to the closest friend she had, and to me.

It is quite clear to me that she is someone capable of making the same mistakes over and over again.

She is not someone who could control herself over who she wants to sleep with.
(Its not the first time)

A common friend of us, asked me if I will like to see her for the last time before I leave for good.

I was just thinking...Will that do us any good?

Does knwoing everything do me any good? Does it makes me feel better for her to admit that she slept with someone she love less just to make him feel good?

The answer is obvious. There is no motivation to know any of the above.

Tonight, I pray hard for someone to find her senses. And also for myself, to find someone special who can understand me as closely as someone had done before(not her).

I had gave the person up for someone who had made mistakes so many times that it make me look stupid. Love makes one blind and stupid, isnt it?

At least I felt love before, and I am not afraid of being hurt in order to find the love that I want.

I don't need a 'girlfriend'. What I need is love to complete my life.

And I hope to find the love, before my life end, for I never know when will be the end...

Reflections | Emotions | Comprehension

2008-12-28T20:01:00.001+08:00

Reflections

I plan too much. I not only want to plan for myself, I treid to plan for others. After being with a person for 10 years, when she expressed her interests for marriage, I tried to plan. And my plan make her feel pressured. And contribute to the downfall of the relationship.

I should not have plan for others. I should let people lead their own life, and I lead mine. Therefore there should be no marriage. For marriage life means not just leading your life, but also to play a part in your partners' life.

Emotions

I am not good with my emotions. I show too much rationality in handling my emotions.
This makes me feel like a robot.

Comprehension

Long distance relationship is hard to work out.

A 10 year relationship cannot stand the test of 6 mths. People lied to themself, to their friends, to their family, finally to the person they betrayed.

Their lonliness crept onto them, and they will not admit that they were seeing someone else, until they had sex. Well, its a definition problem.

But do ask if you feel that your partner is seeing someone, and asked what they meant by 'not seeing anyone'.

You might say.. 'Well they can always lie'. And yes, they would.. most people would..

But what's the points of lying? To enjoy the best of both worlds?

Fine. Karma will come to you.

A short 1 month relation is also hard to stand the test of long distance. Lonliness crept in, and promises are not kept anymore.

My experience tell me that a liar is a liar. For the whole life if you stay with a liar, you have to put up with her lies. And some lies are far more deadly than others.

Well, I guess I should not be in a relationship anymore.

Im a person with no security. I dont stay in a location for long, and whoever that get into a relationship with me are bound to face lonliness.

And sad to say, they can't stand lonliness. And it always will fail, for they would also never believe that I could endure the solitude that I chose.

梦醒。。。

2008-12-25T02:00:00.002+08:00

我又在半夜梦醒。。满脑子是你。

有时爱。。有时恨。。

很希望有一天你会再说爱我。。让我在抱你。
但是抱你是会很痛。。

因为你已经不是之前的你～回不去了。。

痛。。

What if....假如

2008-12-24T14:37:00.002+08:00

一份爱能承受多少的误解
熬过飘雪的冬天
一句话能撕裂多深的牵连
变的比陌生人还遥远
最初的爱越像火焰
最后越会被风熄灭
有时候真话太尖锐
有人只好说着谎言
假如时光到流我能做什么
找你没说的却想要的
假如我不放手你多年以后
会怪我恨我或感动
想假如是最空虚的痛

一个人要看过几次爱凋谢
才甘心在孤独里冬眠
为什么幸福都是幻梦
一靠近天堂也就快醒了
或许爱情更像落叶
看似飞翔却在坠落
假如真可以让时光到流你会做什么
一样选择我或不抱我
假如温柔放手你是否懂得
走错了可以再回头
想假如
是无力的寂寞

Understand me.....

2008-12-21T02:41:00.002+08:00

I felt inspired tonight.

Was at Timbre and met a couple of old boys from school.

The male lead singer was one of them, and the guy sitting one seat away from me.

We met and began to talk about what we are currently doing, and one of the ol'pals mentioned that I am doing well for myself.

Well, what he meant was that I am doing pretty well for being the guy they used to know in school, notorious, attitude-problemed, and astrayed.

************************************************************************
For those who knew me, and my pretty wayward past, they will understand why.

One of my cousin ever mentioned that I had came a long way...To who I am now.

I am still a nobody, but at least somebody who could be worst.

Since I woke up from the dream, which I had been sleeping on since the night I turned into a delinquent.

After the obligatory service which I ought to spend time for being born here, I took a path to restructure my mind, my self, and my dreams.

The path lead to who I am now, but carve out a longer and more withstanding path, which I need to endure to realise who I will be.
*********************************************************************

On the ride home, I had the longest flashback of the years I spent since 16.

********************************************************************
In a few minutes, flashbacks occured in my mind....

I remembered of the paths I chose and how I made it back.

And I realised how I had became so competitive. For the day I achieve the honor, which is also the evidence of my diligence.

Most important, it creates a vision. The vision of success.

To make this vision a reality, I need to stay vigilant.

*******************************************************************

For the one who had loved me, I wished I had made you understand more deeply.

I wished you could realised my dream and vision that was created the day I received my honor and award.

Our greatest conflict then was time. You saw that time was running out for you, but I saw that I was running for the time.

If only you could understand... You will be the one who could rightfully claim the credit for being the pillar of my life.

For the one who love me now, I hope you will understand what she did not understand.

Pardon me for being too focused on my vision and neglected that you need my attention too.

If the day comes that you felt the same as the one before, I wished the time we spent together will be sweet.

For the one that might love me in the future, I wished you could be the one that can see me through my vision. May the vision become a reality or not, I hope you could stand by me.

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

Wasting my time...

2008-12-17T03:55:00.002+08:00

"I'm wasting my time...Watching the days goes by..."

Singing the above to the tune of "Spending my time" by Roxette.

On annual leave and back to motherland for 2 weeks. Did nothing except attending the funeral, reading up on some texts and checking out forums on the internet.

I felt sick not long after I came back. Wonder why...

I seems to be doing lesser here. Life can never be as fulfilling here.

Other than work, all I can do is to laze around. No interesting places. No interesting people in my life. And it will not be interesting for the longest I know.

It all seems so predictable...

Back in anywhere else on earth, I can feel that I am doing more, and living more.

I seems to be useful elsewhere than here. My life seems more worth living than here.

Everyone here seems to be living in much higher speed than me.

Everyone else seems to be busy except me.

Well, I can have alot to do as well.

I can take up classes. I can go clubbing regularly.

I can go and entertain people whom I dont really like.

I can also take up a sideline like selling insurance.

But I do not want to do the above. I just sit around thinking and looking for something more worthwhile...

And it seems difficult here. Any idea that comes around will be responded with problems.

"Have you think about this? What about that?"

I need a life. . . I need people who have life...

Thats why I dislike being here..

What are you doing on weekends? Orchard? Marine Sq? Bugis Junction? Vivo City?

What plans do you have other than drinking and eating?

Arent you just sick of the life?

I am...But what else can I do?

2008-12-16T02:05:00.002+08:00

2.12am.

Glenfiddich 15 year with green tea. Cream crackers.

Was about to sleep when the thoughts ofthe past creeped in.

The last 2 nights, I was at the funeral.

Life ends when it has to, with no warnings.

I was there to see him last sunday, and the last breathe was 6 days later.

It was something we all have to face, just like the betrayal of the one you love, and the tears you dropped for the relationship you thought could last the lifetime.

I just wondered how does regrets live up to the day you lived. How would it feel like?

As I was lying on the bed just a few minutes ago, the thoughts ran through my mind.

I kinda missed her, and I wondered if she felt the same too.

I need to restrain myself not to ever contact her, for the outcome will be 30%-Being Jeered at, 30%-Being Scoffed at, 30%-No answer, 10%-She say "I missed you too..."

All the possible outcomes above are nothing but just prolonging the pain.

I do not want to bear with a love full of thorns anymore. She slept with him. She slept with him right after she left or probably before.

The love was misplaced. I was irrational. What's done could not be undone.

But I could stop myself from getting hurt by the thorns. Thats what I will be doing.

Back to my Glenfiddich 15 years. And the second pack of cream crackers.

2008

2008-12-12T01:19:00.002+08:00

2008

For the world - Beijing Olympics. Mumbai Attack. Financial Tsunami.

For me - Grief, Hatred, Fatigue.

Grief: Over the 10 year of 'love' that died eventually at the hands of the sinner.

Hatred: Over the selfish acts of anguish felt by the bastard, when he realised that he is the bastard. But being the bastard is something born in him. Someone who told people that his ex-gf left him for the ex. Bastard. Loser. Low-life.
Someone who hide himself in the dark corner. Never had the courage to appear. What a weakling.What a wimp. Condemn to hell.

Fatigue: Broke the record of staying awake. 72 hours. Only to be awaken by the cold sms. So cold that the desert could not kept warm.
Had the longest period of work as well. worked 21 days nightly till past midnight.
Felt tired? Not really...

All in all. 2008 was the year I realised that my past decisions were good ones like:
1.Not to marry her
2.Not to include her in family photo
3.Not to find out who the bastard is.
4.Keep on living the way I lived.
5.Many more.

2009

A new start. In fact, I felt happy already. I had a good feeling about 2009. For the burden is gone. So hard to let it go. Although I know she is nothing but insecurity. But it took me long....So long that it hurts almost daily. So long that I feel that it is senseless. But I did my final part. And I had no regrets.

I never had much regrets. I never do much against my conscience. I never did what she did. And i did more that what she did.

1/3 of my life spent. Much more to achieve. Much more to experience.

Much more to live for.

My next phase - Love, Family, Stability. Looking Forward.
Be with me...

221108

2008-11-14T23:31:00.004+08:00

She msn me on my birthday wishing me the usual as what others would do.

But what was really unusual is that I never expected it from her.

221108 is a special day for her. A day that would change her life, and that day she starts to become someone different..

And today, we talk. Something we never had been doing since the night we parted, the next night after our congregation.

The conversation is emotional. For both of us pour out out feelings which was hidden for the last 2 years.

It was really needed. She need to know why I left, and I think I should explain myself.

It is good that she understand finally. That I am the silly boy she knew and still know.

We remembered all the moments we share, and also the pain we went through.

And all these while we shared something in common, which is the wishes for each other to be happy.

Something that I never feel whenever I read something happy happening around her.

Even when some are bittersweet...

She told me she waited, which I believe she had, unlike the liar who thought she waited.

And most importantly, we say whatever we need to say to each other, to bring everything to a closure.

I wish her eternal bliss, which I did not give her by the choice I made.

Deep inside, I really appreciate her love, loved for me.

The liar could never understand... She will never know.

With this, I hope to express my heartfelt wishes.

May God watch over her, and I believe he would, for who she is.

Before it end....

2008-11-12T22:25:00.002+08:00

Worked till 2 am last night. What an unexpected way to spend the start of my birth anniversary.

Just got a birthday wish from someone whom I did not expect.

I received quite a number of birthday wishes. And most of all, XX spend a few hours with me, some quiet moments..

Im grateful. . . Just hoping now that everything else will fall into the right place.

A turn of my time

2008-11-12T03:01:00.002+08:00

The man had told me my life. Past, present and future.

He told me about the failure of my last relationship. He told me the thoughts I had for the years.

He told me I'll be heading towards the better side of life in 28.

Its all coming. Its today. Today is the day my life will change.

Although things are not as good as they should be at this moment.

But I think, it will be. And thank god for giving me these nice people around me.

Even though Im not in the place called "home", but I had a great birthday celebration last Friday. Nice white chocolate cheesecake.

Most importantly, I spent time with my best friends here, and also my little love, which came into my life at the moment I least expected.

Thanks for everything!! Even though the last one really sucks big time.

28th Birthday...

2008-11-03T22:05:00.002+08:00

28th Birthday coming.

The prophecy is coming. My life will take a hike from 28 onwards.

Hope that will be true.

I thought I will be spending the 28th birthday alone. But guess it wont be.

I am happy that God send someone to me. At this period, even when I dont even know how long will I will here.

I hope to win the project. I hope to start my new life here.

I hope to shine. I hope to see the results of my toil and hardwork.

Amen. God, please make yourself free..

Sweet Emotions

2008-10-30T00:40:00.002+08:00

A popular rock ballad by Steve Taylor, lead singer of Aerosmith.

Sweet Emotions. Something I had not been able to feel for long, long time.

I had a memorable day with her. It was indeed sweet. I finally managed to find the sweet emotions that I have lost and could not find in the last 10 years.

This sweet emotion will heal me I guess. It had brought back my memories on how sweet it can be, and not just pain of betrayal that had arose from the previous long and painful experience.

Life...

2008-10-27T00:57:00.002+08:00

Life is very unpredictable..

Today, something happen.

Went on a date with someone. Feels good.

Just like tat...

Update to 'Announcement'

2008-10-26T11:38:00.002+08:00

An update to 'Announcement'.

She is taken.

No surprise. After a breakup, they usually need a placebo to curb the emotional setback.

Girls look for a caring guy, guys look for transactional love.

It's common. 95% of the people does that.

But I'm in the 5%. Damn..

爱很简单吗？

2008-10-25T13:37:00.000+08:00

忘了是怎么开始
也许就是对你
有一种感觉
忽然间发现自己
已深深爱上你
真的很简单
爱的地暗天黑都已无所谓
是是非非无法抉择
没有后悔
为爱日夜去跟随
那个疯狂的人是我
喔~
i love you
无法不爱着你
baby
说你也爱我
i love you
永远不愿意
baby
失去你
不可能更快乐
只要能在一起
做什么都可以
虽然
世界变个不停
用最真诚的心
让爱变得简单
i love you
我一直在这里
一直在爱你
i love you
yes i do
永远都不放弃
这爱你的权利
如果你还有一些困惑
oh no
请贴着我的心倾听
听我说着爱你
yes i do
我爱你

Announcement...

2008-10-22T23:20:00.002+08:00

Hi all who read my blog.

I wont be able to get back for my birthday.

How sad it is. I cant imagine how I will be feeling that day.

I will be glad to receive my birthday wishes from all of you that day, except one.

The one need not send anything to me, cos it will only show how fake you are.

Anyway, to the rest of you who really care, I appreciate your wishes, and will allow you to make me drunk the following week when I will be back.

Just to seek your opinion on the below:

Recently, a friend of mine broke up with her ex. We never start 2.5 years ago.

I was reading her blog for the last 2 years and that is why I know that she broke up with the ex.

I wrote a comment last month, and she replied. And at the moment, I felt kind of happy.

For all these while since the faker left me for the shadow, I felt nothing for any female beings.

However, I do feel something this time.

Friends out there, What do you think?

Should I should I not?

Can I can I not?

See you all soon. Wait for me people.

一個人旅行 ...

2008-10-19T21:53:00.001+08:00

爱，情。

2008-10-19T17:57:00.002+08:00

两个人在一起要讲心。。

因为爱才对她好。。也因为爱才对她严格。。

希望我不在她生边时，她会过的一样好。。

两人在一起因该是因为有感觉。。不是只要名分。。

没有感觉有名分又如何？

我相信。。她再也找不回睡在我的床的安全感。。

她会发现自己失去的不只是一个人。。。她失去的是自己。。和我为她打造的城堡。。

我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起作梦
我怀念的是争吵以后
还是想要爱你的冲动

我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手
最暖的胸口
谁记得
谁忘了

*********

我怀念的是无言感动
我怀念的是绝对炽热
我怀念的是你很激动
求我原谅抱得我都痛

我记得你在背后
也记得我颤抖着
记得感觉汹涌
最美的烟火
最长的相拥
谁爱得太自由
谁过头太远了
谁要走我的心
谁忘了那就是承诺

谁自顾自地走
谁忘了看着我
谁让爱变沉重
谁忘了要给你温柔

我怀念的
我还有想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手
最暖的胸口

我放手
我让座
假洒脱
谁懂我多么不舍得

太爱了
所以我
没有哭
没有说

成功与寂寞。。

2008-10-18T15:09:00.002+08:00

Watched a dvd this morning. The ending part made me feel very emotional.

Recent years, i had been very emotional. Perhaps its the results of suppressing my own emotions for too long.

Since the day i graduated, I been trying to make myself stronger and better. Each day I woke up with a vision.

With the vision, I drive myself each day, at the expenses of many other things in life.

Many says, it better to strive in the beginning than in the end.

No one know show much I had put into as fuel for what I have today.

In fact, what I had now is not as good as I think it should be.

Last night, I complained to my best buddy of my entire life. I told him about my effort, my sorrows, my pain.

Before I fall into sleep, I thought to myself.

Nothing is forever. People come and people go.

Life is born and life ends.

No one can stay with you until the day you leave the world.

People eventually, have to part by death.

But, how will you feel, when the person left you for another? How can you ever forget the promises she made...

How can you forget the days when buddies drink at the beach with you?

How can you forget the day a friend walk a few miles with you just because you feel like walking?

How can you forget everything?

Today is just another painful day of my life. A day which I did not keep myself busy enough to allow the bitter sweet memories to creep into my mind.

I do not seek love anymore. I do not hope anymore. I just live my life the way it should be. I just do what i think is right.

But I will never ever do those things everyone does, and will never find excuses for doing all those.

For I am me, and someone whom is true to myself...even though it means I have to taste the bitter fruit...

To err is human?

2008-10-14T22:05:00.002+08:00

是不是年轻就一定会犯错？是不是不犯错会遗憾？

二十七岁算年轻吗？

Last night, a friend told me about a mistake she made. She did not specifically say whats her mistake, but I could guess it.

She like a guy whom she know does not have any future. The guy told only goes to her when he need something from her. She know it very well, and she the relationship is only skin-deep.

But she let the mistakes continued. Each time, she realized that it's a mistake but let it happen again and again.

Her account of her actions set me off to remember the pain residing in my heart again.

Its similar. Except one is towards someone she like, and another is with someone she dun.

Which is a graver mistake?

I am at a loss on what to say to my friend. I felt a little depressed over what she did. Not because I have any special feelings for her. But just that she is as lost as someone I knew. Someone I had special feelings for.

so Dry

2008-10-11T17:05:00.002+08:00

Its so dry here. My lips r so dry..My eyes too..My nose too..My skin too..

And my heart too... its so dry, so cold...

Sometimes heaven plan and men thought they have a hand in it.

Try as they may, but they cant control anything.

How we started, how we ended.

The outcome is the expected outcome, even though I had tried to change it with every idea I ever have.

Life, enjoy it while you can. You know it when you are wrong. When your heart or your mind tell you so.

What others told you is never right. Its just the normal way, but normal way does not means its right.

Like the stock market example. Everybody is wrong now.

In the Lift...

2008-09-30T20:25:00.002+08:00

Went to the mart to get some bier...

On my way back as i got into the lift, a cute gal came in.

She sounds like Singaporean. She cant find her card.. So I asked which floor she stays..

She looks cute... 8th Floor...Hope I see her during breakfast.

HOPE....

2008-09-30T04:05:00.000+08:00

Met a japanese gal...really nice...

Hope she will call mi.....

and we can be friend...and maybe....

Am I sensitive?

2008-09-25T22:12:00.002+08:00

I was corresponding over email with my brother this morning, after he sent me an email telling me that someone saw the 'actor' with her boyfriend at city hall looking very happy.

Well what an email that a family member should write to me when Im abroad working.

Anyway, I bit my lips and let it passed.

I replied to him saying that my only concern now is my dog, and wish they could treat my dog nicer and it will be good if my mum can bring her down for a walk when I am not in the country.

The reply I got was that he has no problem treating the dog nicely but he felt that keeping a dog is a lifelong commitment, however, I was not committed to the dog.

Damn. This sentence sent a shot right up my brain.

I wasnt commited to my dog? Then who is?
That bitch who left us with just some excuses?
Who else?

Well the reason why I am so extremely pissed is because there are too many people who had never look at themselves when they talk about others.

In a 'not-so-appropriate' way, I replied him saying that I am unhappy he made that remark.

I try to make him look at it the way that my dog is like my child and the mother of my child just left for another man.

So that makes me a single parent at the age of 28, and also that I have to work overseas.

So does it makes me non-commitant to my dog because I need to work overseas, and also have to gou out there to see if I can meet someone right so that I can spend the rest of my life peacefully together in bliss, with my dog?

I brought up the point that he is also working and my mum has been taking care of his daughter when he work, and when he goes to france.

Come on, you have a wife. I do not have. And to be very frank.

The person that bought my dog left her with me since 7 years ago and left again leaving her behind.

If not for her, my dog would be in a more complete home.

And all im trying to do now is to find someone, somewhere, so that I can give my dog a complete home, even though its only for another decade or so.

And please, never ever say that I was not commited to my dog. In my eyes, she was not just a dog.

She IS MY DOG....Well screw the world.

我应该....

2008-09-24T00:37:00.002+08:00

去爱上别人来忘了你...还是

忘了你才去爱别人....

我想....还是选择后者对所有人公平些........

听说爱情回来过

2008-09-20T15:22:00.002+08:00

爱是一种需要一种缺乏
所以我们都喜欢情歌

不管爱在进行中
还是仍未萌芽
不管你爱他比较多
还是他爱你比较多
爱或被爱
其实都是一种喜悦
*************************

在朋友那儿听说
知心的你曾回来过
想请他替我向你问候
只为了怕见了说不出口
你对以往的感触还多不多
曾让我心碎的你
我依然深爱着

在朋友那儿听说
知心的你曾找过我
我要他帮我对你隐瞒
只是怕见了面会更难过
我对以往的感触还那么多
曾给我幸福的你
我依然深深爱着

有一种想见不敢见的伤痛
有一种爱还埋藏在我心中
我只能把你放在我的心中

这一种想见不敢见的伤痛
让我对你的思念越来越浓
我却只能把你
把你放在我心中

听说爱情回来过
对你的声音你的影你的手
我发誓说我没有忘记过

而关于你选择了现在的他
我只能说我有些难过
我也真心真意的等过
只能把你把你放在我心中

Giving my Dog a home

2008-09-18T21:23:00.002+08:00

My friend told me last weekend that it is possible to bring my dog over here.

No need to quarantine. Only need to do all the tests back in singapore and do some " administration" here. Well, As long as I can be with my dog, I will give everything.

Looks like Im quite ready to stay here. My dog is the only being I have attachment now.

Its my lifeline, and I really feel bad leaving her behind.

..........................................................................................................................

It was really funny. Hilarious.

She say she was 'sorry'. Sorry for what?

She had no reassurance. So leaving to her and sleeping with him to her was reassurance right?

So what is the reason for apologising?

Why should I let her talk to me and disappear after that?

Why should I let them get into my life, mess it up and live happily ever after?

Why should I let her get her load off her mind so she can feel better?

Why should I accept her "Sorry"?

Why should I give up my life for her, when she does not even know how much I had been planning and doing for her, for her to feel "assured"?

But my dog is different. She will sit beside me when my mum scold her.

She will sleep beside me when I'm drunk. She will never feel lack of assurance.

For I had gave her 7 years of companionship, love and protection.

Try hitting my dog, and I will do the same to your most beloved.

Moving on...

2008-09-16T01:57:00.002+08:00

Everyone that knows me knows how much love I had for her.

Even people whom I just know not for long, can see that..

Thought were given on whether it could be possible for us.

It seems that it is no longer possible.

The Past

I had commited 1 mistake in the whole of 10 years, and duly admitted and prepared for the worst then. Have to appreciated her forgiveness then, but was it true forgiveness or perhaps a case for her to commit the same again.

The Present
I had repeated reminded her "Do not use your body to reassure someone"
Yet it could not prevent her from committing the same mistake she made several times.
To me, I think it was because I had never known her.
For someone who treasure herself, or the love she had for someone else will never sleep easily with another man.
And definitely not more than once.
And I thought only man can separate Love and Sex.
So are men discriminated and wrongfully labelled?
Or are we supposed to live with it that nowadays when women sleep with someone they dont love, they have all the excuses to back them up?
Whatever it is, I had tried to stop things from passing the point of no return, but she went all the way out.

The Future
My career requires me to fly around the globe. And I need to stay abroad for periods of time.
With such a person who always feel insecure about me, thinking that I am gallivanting abroad(Which I did not), will the relationship be healthy?
And moreover, it was proven that she was the one who used insecurity as a excuse to sleep with others.
With some thought, I guess I will never feel good going back to someone whom I loved but betrayed the love.

Yes she wasnt with me when she sleep with him. But she says she still love me.
Well, I thought women cant separate sex and love? WTF...

And i do hereby invite all of you to view this MTV, and perhaps to visualize how my heart kill itself with each time she says "Sorry"

Yes it bloody...And its how bloody when she said she "love" him and him and him.
And the sorry for sleeping with them, for saying she love them.
Or whatever things she gotta say sorry for.

这一首送给你。。。我永远的爱情故事。。。

2008-09-15T12:14:00.001+08:00

她最爱听古巨基的歌曲。。。

这一首送给你。。。我永远的爱情故事。。。

Awakening

2008-09-14T22:07:00.002+08:00

Awakening can be scary.

I received calls in the middle of the first night i arrived.

I do not know what is it that she wants, or is it another prank to mess up my life.

Her sms was "Sorry" and that was the most common thing i hear from her since we ended.

Everytime i hear "sorry", my heart will sank a lil.

As i know every mistake she makes that I know will make me feel worse than before.

I have decided to relocate. Letting go of everything that makes me feel sadness and loss.

Finally can take a breather

2008-09-12T22:15:00.002+08:00

The day since i arrived, i had been sleeping less than 5 hrs nightly. But ironically i am very happy.

I loved such lifestyle, the challenges as well as the rewards that comes with it.

I guess its due to such mentality that I excel in my work.

I really like it here and am considering to stay here for good. As usual my only worries is the dog.

I love her and I know she loved me. For our life our man-dog friendship will remain the same or even stronger.

No matter how much she remind me of the sadness, I will loved her.

Guess ill be a good father one day.

Distance as we age...

2008-09-08T23:48:00.002+08:00

People become more and more distance when we age.

We blog and read people blog to update on each other.

I was always reading people's blog to find out their happiness and their sorrows.

Somehow, sometimes, some of us just could no longer hear from the person ourselves like we could before. So we read from a distance.

Last week, J wrote on her blog that she broke up with L. Suddenly I feel sorry for her.

Sorry to her for not being in the right state of mind before, or choosing someone who is not worth the chance, and giving up what might be a good friendship then, or even more.

When I read that she had broke up with L, I cant help but to insert a comment telling her time will heals everything.

I hope she will heal faster than all of us do. I also hope one day we can be on talking terms again.

I hope she can find someone who will understand her truly. And someone who will treasure her.

Tomorrow I will be sleeping in another part of earth. Hope that when im back, things will be different. Hope to find a warmer place with warmer people.

Hope I will find it easier to forget thsoe things I've been trying to forget.

In the meantime, please live well.

Pre - Departure Emotions

2008-09-06T09:04:00.003+08:00

Everytime before I fly, I will have mixed feelings.

Mixed feelings as I hate to leave the those I longed to be with.

As for circumstances like work... we cant bring everyone with us.

But this is my career...What I wanted to be.

Everytime I leave the country, I will masked the feeling of attachment.

For the attachement to those I love will only make things worse.

For this time, I feel less attached. My only worry is for my beloved dog.

In the past, I thought when I am not around, she will be here to care for the dog, but she didnt.

Therefore with or without her, its the same....The dog life goes on. With me.

Flying again

2008-09-05T18:31:00.001+08:00

I will be flying off again.

Will miss my dog. For my dog is the only living being in my heart.

相爱的人...会吵架吗?

2008-09-02T19:54:00.003+08:00

相爱的人...会吵架吗?

日子久了...爱就会坚固吗?

感情受到冲击时, 是该坚持, 还是仅早放弃?

对方对自己的付出, 会紧记在心吗?

如果爱不坚定, 如何面对未来的风风雨雨?

Rounding it all up

2008-08-29T01:24:00.003+08:00

Since the day it happen, I had never really tried to accept the fact that it ended.

Several times, the one had told me its all too late for her to return. And deep inside I know why is it.

It had been more than 3650 days of having each other, treading over countless sweet and bitter memories.

Facing the truth is one of the hardest thing to do when dealing with the loss of someone who had been part of one's life. But its also inevitable for each living being to encounter and experience in his/her own life.

I decided to face the truth tonight and accept the loss, which is irrevocable for many reasons.

Just to round it up, I will penned down all the memories of how we spent the 3650 days.

We were 17-18. It all started at Suntec City, where we met on a part time job.

She smile all day long, and needs to be home at 10 pm sharp.

She did not know what is love then, and we got together due to interests to experience love like all other teens.

We started going on group dates with her friends whereby we will find out own little corner to share some time alone before sending her home before her curfew.

It was sweet. Much sweeter than my first love.

Days gone by and much was happy except some tiffs that started out from jealousy at my end. Well that was natural I guess.

An unexpected event brought me to meet her family, at the hospital. She fell and broke her elbow and that was the time I pledged my love for her with the song that was written in a present and soon inside her heart.

Thererafter, some not so happy events took place which shook the foundation a little but not able to bring us down.

We went to chalets organised by me and countless memories stayed there.

She planned birthdays' celebrations for me whereby the invited paries are only the 2 of us.

I bought her a ring and surprised her on X'mas eve, for it was the X'mas eve which I could not step out of the house.

At 19 when I went into National Service, was the downturn of the relationship.

A msg from ICQ set us on jeapardy and she cut her wrist at her own place. Fortunately it was not fatal but the pain lingers in my heart.

Then she went to work part time at Suntec City, where she was sexually harrased by her supervisor.

Later came the most bitter event that almost destroyed everything. And this is something I do not wish to speak about.

Following was an email which was address to an unknown shadow send my heart sinking to the deep of the ocean.

Several years went ahead. And we spent good time together trying to find activities to keep the relationship growing.

We spent time buying groceries from supermarket. We cooked our own dinner for ourselves.
We went to rollerblade together at night. We played badminton on Sunday morning.
We played tennis. We took Salsa. We go for spicy steamboats.
We went to the pet farm to search for a pup worthy of our love and found bibi finally.

We bake cookies together.

We went holidays together, to desaru, to Harris, to bangkok and we also met in Beijing where she puke after having a mug of Tsingtao in one gulp.

We both put in lots of effort. And we truly enjoyed the moments which we share together.
Some things just shouldnt happen. But life do not goes back in time. I guess even if we could, the same things will happen.

The last 2 years, a chain of events that led to the end. Thinking about it now, it seems impossible to change anything even if I had the chance to go back in time.

All the above will be shared by both of us even though it ended. This is something no one could ever take away from us. A life we shared together.

If only she did not... and we step through this setback togther like all those we been through...

If only she stayed firm about our love. But it prove too much for her to take.

How much more....

2008-08-28T08:02:00.002+08:00

The tree continue to mourn. And everything around the tree starts to wither.

Nothing can grow around the tree as the sadness is too sad for any living thing to live.

Then an ally went up to the tree, and asked:

"Will the one ever come back?"

(.....No.....)

"Will the one reciprocate the love you harbouring for her before and now?"

(....No....)

"Will she stand by your side, for the love she told you if your life is threatened?"

(...Dont know...)

"Why do you still want to wait and torture yourself for someone that "cannot" return for the things she done knowing that it is wrong?"

(Yes, She knew. But she did it anyway. It's not a mistake. That's her.)

"She must be lying. Either to herself or to you. "

(Right. Either to herself or to me.)

"Will you just let it go and start a new life?"

(...I'll try..)

"How much more time you want to suffer for someone that walk away from you again?"

(I din want to suffer, but I am, but i din want to)

The tree knows that she will not return.

Puzzled as the words of the one will never coincide with her actions.

She must be lying again. About something. Either to herself, or to others.

unequal equation

2008-08-28T02:48:00.000+08:00

10 yrs

me = 1 gf

her= 3 bf....

Is it over now - Tanya Chua

2008-08-26T02:08:00.000+08:00

Is it over now

do we really have to say goodbye

does it mean that we can't talk anymore

cos I still love you so

cos I didn't mean to break your heart

if only you knew why I had to let you go

Is it over now

feels like it's the end of the world

I don't really wanna try to get over you

cos still see your face

feel your breath everywhere I go

don't think I'll ever find someone just like you

I thought we could last

be together forever

but we didn't last

we sure did put up a fight

now it hurts so bad

with you out of my life

is it really over now

Guess it's over now

cos I'm sitting here all alone

someone is knocking but it won't be you at my door

letting go is never easy

I've been learning it the hard way

I've been counting every minute and second

since the day you left since the day you left

I thought we could last

be together forever

but we didn't last

we sure did put up a fight

now it hurts so bad

with you out of my life

is it really over now

Fallen

2008-08-26T01:02:00.002+08:00

To think that at times someone might go against all odds into commiting one act after another, hoping that it will be the way out.

Like a person lost in the forest, who keep going in the same direction, might find herself deeper and deeper into the forest.

*************************************************************

The sneak act of the shadow united the band. And the band is back into 1 sharing the pain and sorrows of the fallen angel.

Together the band had condemned the one and the shadow to eternal pit of shame.

The fallen angel look up with teary eyes, a sullen face and horns of anger, wondering where is god.

In god's absence, evil triumphs. Justice was left undone. The takers take even more.

Fallen angel waits. For the final test of faith.

Undeserved

2008-08-24T09:47:00.004+08:00

20August2008:

"Do you want to meet? I have decided to leave him"
"Let's meet. I take a cab down."
.....................................................

"Sorry to disturb your life"

......................................................

Call ringing. Answered. Silence from the other end.

Call ringing again. Answered. Silence from the other end.

21st August 2008. 4 hours later:

Call ringing. Answered. The familair voice starts to speak.

"Sorry", "Lets forget that I ever sms you. "Sorry to disturb your life"

23rd August 2008
Call ringing. Asked for time to talk. Time given.

The messages was sent by Shadow. The One apologised on the behalf of disturbing my life.

My presence in her mind is to blame. I should have ask my images to evacuate.

The one will not leave shadow till the last moment. She had gave everything.

Shadow will not leave, but instead send her back to me, like a piece of unwanted product which he think there's a warranty to it.

They do longer deserve any form of respect.

The one do not deserve respect. Giving up her body as sacrifice to reassure someone.

The shadow do not deserve respect. Hiding in the darkness forever.

I do not deserve any of such irresponsible trigger to set my mind, my life back into hell.

And I still stood like a tree, awaiting for future attacks.

Every word says the truth....

2008-08-24T00:43:00.002+08:00

2008-08-24T00:42:00.001+08:00

The shadow strikes again

2008-08-24T00:22:00.002+08:00

20th August 2008...The shadow strikes again...

In her name, the shadow disguised itself as the one.

Once again, the tree fell. No flowers will bloom, no fruits will it bear.

The one had allowed the shadow to challenge the tree in her name, and she will shelter the shadow, like the way she did 7 long ago....

The tree starts to bleed... the roots starts to be infested with maggots, eating up all the senses....

Until it became senseless....No longer does the tree have anyone to confide in. Nor anyone to speak its heart.

IT stood there as a lonely tree, awaiting for its time to be up...